Are your relationships based on roles or are they an investment of your life?

A common thought is that relationships require us to be something. Certain images come up about what a mother looks like, what a teacher looks like, what a nurse looks like, and so on. Often when we choose a role our relationships begin and end within the context of what those beliefs are about the role’s purpose. We hear stories from the media about exceptional people who act in bravery or kindness which took them far beyond the role they play. This is the way we fall in line. We are told what to expect and then we act within those expectations.

I wasn’t made to fall in line; neither were you. What do we miss when we accept acting out a role in life? We miss relationships. Relationship requires an investment of who I am. It reaches the reason for my roles.  For a nurse, her role may be as simple as running your IV and keeping a record of your vitals. Her reason may be a deep love for humanity and this is how she contributes to caring for the hurt and scared. For a teacher, his role may be to follow a curriculum and keep track of your progress. His reason may be that he believes in your potential. Can you see how different outcomes might be if we allow our reasons to become passions instead of just filling roles?

I want to speak to mothers and fathers. Parenting might be the most common role we share. With rare exceptions, every human being is equipped biologically to parent a child and the great majority do so. Why we do this varies more than any other role. Some parents fall into this role by lack of planning. Some are influenced by family, their own childhood, the pressures of society, a need to nurture, a desire to give and receive love, and the potential reasons here are infinite. How we do this role of parenting varies even more. It seems to be that everyone has their own priorities in parenting and many feel strongly to share their own priorities to other parents.

Are we falling into a role as parents? Someone reading this can relate to feeling disconnected from their own parent. Maybe you had a “good childhood” by most standards; your needs were met. Mom cooked your supper, drove you to practice, loved you when you were ill. Dad taught you to drive, or to play a sport, he directed your discipline and paid your allowance. They filled the roles they felt they were subject to. Of course, many childhood stories deviate in other directions and this is just one example. These parents will say that these activities are an investment of their time and energy; yes they are! There is nothing wrong with filling roles and it is good and necessary. Can we do more?

I often see parents, in particular moms, who vent about giving up some part of themselves. The story sounds like this; “I feel like I have lost myself since becoming a mother.” “I don’t have time for my own needs and my entire identity is being a mom.” “Someday when the kids are grown, maybe I will have time for myself.” These parents are actively living out roles instead of investing in relationships. I also work with adults who echo a similar sentiment; “I feel like I don’t really know who my mom/dad is as a person.” This breaks my heart. These are individuals who come to me looking for help with dysfunctional relationships and have a struggle with their own identities. They were taught how to fill roles but were never taught how to live with reason.

Biologically, emotionally, and spiritually the parent / child relationship is primary. It is the first place where identity is gained. It shapes who we are for better or worse. It promotes our success when nurturing. It cripples our ideas and abilities when damaging. Parents: you are armed with great knowledge now. Giving of yourself, investing in sharing who you are with your children will build them up to know who they are.

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