Posted on in Identity, Personal Thoughts, Spirituality

Going Through the Desert

When I learned I would be relocating to the Desert as my new home, I did not want to go. This wasn’t my plan. In fact, I didn’t really have a specific plan. I was very open to going wherever a new adventure could be found. There were only two places I did not want to go; an island or a desert.

I decided to say “Yes, I will go” in my heart rather than approach this change with resentment. I was determined to make the best of the situation. That included doing a lot of research, talking to people who had been there, and trying to prepare myself for something I had never experienced and couldn’t comprehend. Everything about the desert and the big city I was headed to was foreign to me. I had no idea the scale to which these new things would be; bigger than my imagination.

Arriving was overwhelming. Anything familiar was absent. The environment was dirty and depressing. The people were strange and sometimes cruel. Within the first year my heart had moved into a spiritual desert as well. Despite trying to connect I found myself feeling very isolated. Then the shaky ground in my home and marriage began to crumble. I didn’t even recognize my life as my own anymore. So I turned my focus onto myself looking for some relief.

A year in the desert revealed my weakness and I began to think from a perspective of survival. I lost my sight for anything but what was in front of me. For another year I lived in a world of emotional escape. I checked out of life emotionally and just moved through one day at a time, appeasing the “desires of the flesh” because attention, approval, and the substances that numbed my senses and my pain were tangible comforts. I got lost in myself.

For a time, I thought I was coping with my devastation quite well. I was lonely but never alone. I was happy when I could quiet the discomfort. My life had the appearance of tidy tension; it was a difficult moment but I was holding it together. Inside I was spiraling into feeling hopeless and lost. The more difficulty that appeared at home, in my marriage, in my husband’s health, in the needs of my children, the further I hid away emotionally. Distance became my buffer because I couldn’t handle the weight of everything alone.

The reality which I can see clearly now is that I chose isolation even though it hurt me. In a moment of weakness, I believed my senses over truth. I saw darkness. I heard silence. I felt overwhelmed and confused. I unconsciously chose to believe my perception over God’s truth. “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9.

I had a strong faith from childhood. Throughout the years I have encountered things that shook my faith. I have watched people fail and been hurt deeply a few times along the way. I’ve experienced moments of doubt, self-reliance, and rebellion. Always, God is faithful. When people fail, Jesus has already won. When people cause wounds, Jesus heals. I know this because I’ve lived it. I have failed more than I want to admit but my failure has never changed God’s heart for me.

I really understood this after I came out of my season in the desert. I missed out on so much by agreeing with my fears instead of agreeing with my Savior. You see, my struggle did not change my position. Reaching the lowest low of my life did not dictate my identity as a child of God. “For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:26. I’m still learning to trust God with all of my heart and lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). Surely, I know that my understanding is colored by emotions, circumstances, and my own perception.

I left the desert and returned to my old home. I never thought I would relate to the prodigal son. Yet, through the embrace of people who love Jesus I experienced once again the tangible love of Jesus. I recognized how far I had wandered and when I decided to run back I found nothing but love. Now that I am home, physically and spiritually, I am listening to my Father’s voice and understanding who I am on a deeper level than I have ever known before. I can’t hold regret for lost time because I am thankful for the contrast. Darkness cannot hide light. It was in my greatest weakness that I discovered I need to lean on His strength.

Posted on in personal development, Success

A Balance Checkpoint

If you’ve traveled highways you’ve likely seen a sign for a weigh station. Trucks that haul goods have to make stops at those stations for a check up. Physics dictate that hauling too much weight is bad for the truck and the road. Being overloaded can be dangerous to self and others.

The human mind is a lot like a truck in that way. Hauling around too much weight and being overloaded is dangerous and not healthy. If you keep heaping on mental and emotional burdens without ever organizing or dropping some of the load you are headed for disaster.

I love the image of the scale and use it often with my clients. Imagine that there is a scale before you much like the old fashion golden saucers used in mining. That scale is hanging on a rope of which you are holding the other end. You must pull that rope to level the scale and every ounce of weight added is a burden you physically feel and must leverage against. How hard do you want to work?

Every thing in your life represents a weight. Your relationships, your possessions, your thoughts; they all have a weight value. Some things are rather light and other things are rather heavy. The things you choose to take on you will bear the weight of.

Now imagine that your scale is poised on a pulley that helps you resist the weight. That pulley is your personal support, or how you take care of yourself. The more you invest in your care the bigger and better that pulley is. In fact, you can have an entire pulley system that displaces the weight and helps you to bear the load. Those pulleys and parts are made up of your support system; the people and things which have a positive impact on your life. So even a heavier load can be more easily managed with the right support system.

You still have to hold your rope. You must bear the burden of your life, even with a great support system there is work. Sometimes others will add weights to your scale. Sometimes you will need to remove some things and make wise adjustments. You can always expand your pulley system. Please take the time often to not only build, but to oil and maintain your supports. Take time for a balance checkpoint. Does your scale need tidying? Does your support system need some attention?

Posted on in personal development, Success

Life is a Verb

It is the first week of January. A new month, a new year, a new decade is upon us. This time is symbolic of hope, aspirations and resolutions. The common joke is that it will all be discarded in the upcoming weeks as reality comes crashing down around us. Life goes on as it always does.

All the good intentions of the recent resolutions made come from a true place of desire. A desire to change, to prosper, and to get more out of life. It doesn’t have to be a January thing. Change can be an active way to live. The alternative is a passive existence.

How often do we settle for a passive existence? The television that sits on it’s throne which we all gather around speaks to this chosen lifestyle of passivity. We give up hours watching someone else live! We buy into fairy tales scripted to feed our desires for something more. Those hours turn into days, into weeks, and before we know it we have lost time and so much more.

We don’t have to lose that time. I disconnected the cable long ago and am so much happier without it. I can barely find spare time to fit in all of what I want to do and I wonder how I ever found time to sit idly in front of that screen. The television itself isn’t an evil. An occasional family movie night can be a great way to connect and share a laugh. All technology is useful and has the potential for good. Is it a tool you are using or is it using you?

I would love to talk to more people who are connected to others and their passions. So many people answer the question “How do you relax?” with the familiar “I watch TV.” I don’t believe that drama and media provide much if any relaxation. However, a cup of tea at a cafe with a friend, completing that art project, taking a walk outside, or doing something with your hands and mind might just do something good for you.

Whether you have a long list of resolutions or you haven’t even tried to make up one; consider taking an inventory of how you spend your time and see if maybe there is a connection or passion that could better serve you as you start this new year.

Posted on in Spirituality

Hope in a Dark World.

It’s a week before Christmas. This season of holiday time and festivities elicits the image of a bustling, happy home full of family and food. Gifts are plentiful and people gather round a warm fireplace or couch for conversations and shared memories. Many a Hallmark movie would have us believe that this is the standard of acceptable activity in the coming week. There is peace on earth and good tidings everywhere!

What if that image doesn’t fit your home, your family, or your outlook? What if you aren’t “okay” this moment or this season? What if realities like loneliness, grief, broken relationship, poverty, abuse, addiction, or depression are closer than peace on earth? For many, this is a season of getting through, pressing on, or hoping for a better tomorrow.

If you don’t feel merry and bright in this moment, that’s okay. You’re not alone and you’re not defined by your emotions. Emotions serve to communicate something; whether an indicator to us internally or an expression of the internal to someone on the outside. They are useful and good but they are not in control. It’s okay to feel and it’s okay to act according to the reality you choose even if that doesn’t follow your emotions. Decision and action are powerful means to affect reality, as reality is largely perception.

There is one decision that stands forefront in the hearts of humankind which has the power to affect perception and reality like none other; to accept the gift of grace that God freely gives which provides peace and hope. This decision is yours despite your circumstances or emotions.
“Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.” Romans 15:13.

Posted on in Addiction

The Familiar Taste of Poison

It’s a song by one of my favorite bands: Halestorm. It is also an ideal sentiment which introduces a topic I have been walking with for many years. A line in the song states, “The sweet escape is always laced with the familiar taste of poison.” This line captures two dimensions of addiction which I feel are defining to a battle that often consumes life.

Addiction is a symptom; a display of repeat behaviors connected to an underlying issue. Although the particular behaviors and choices can vary greatly from one individual to the next, the source of this drive is universal which is disconnect. Addiction is born in an abrupt loss of control and the symptomatic behaviors serve to sooth a perceived need for familiarity and comfort.

The Sweet Escape…

Anything I can become addicted to must provide an escape from discomfort. It is a thing; a substance, an emotion, a reaction, a connection, of some sort which provides pleasure and comfort that is stronger than a hurt I am experiencing. This is what we call the “high,” that something which elevates me above my pain. So in order to be eligible to become addicted, I must first experience emotional and physical pain.

I believe the key here is the “and” and not an option between the two. Sometimes physical pain such as injury is connected to an emotional loss or insecurity. Other times an emotional pain becomes so overwhelming that it creates physical effects. When pain connects the physical and emotional experience it trounces the entire being. If pain is merely physical there is an option of mind over matter so that it can be managed. When emotional experiences are merely feelings they can be compartmentalized into cognitive existence. It is when pain connects these two realms that it has the potential to become an unmanageable reality.

The Familiar Taste…

People naturally want to escape pain. It is common to any creature, including humans, to flee from pain or discomfort. It is a common, everyday occurrence that people utilize escapes both physically and emotionally. We seek out conversations with friends or family and sometimes professional support to escape the burden of emotions which are difficult to bear alone. We use medications to escape physical pain.

Humans are creatures of habit and succumb to what is familiar. I often say, you can’t change what you don’t know to exist. Any habit, action, or thought pattern which I am unaware of I am powerless to. So maybe power over addiction bears the necessity of understanding where the roots are. The “drug” isn’t the problem. The pain the drug is soothing is what must be healed. That takes work but so does avoidance. Avoiding conflict does not remove the conflict. It simply moves it inside where you work hard to bury it. Either way, you are expending the energy of fighting. 

I believe defeating addiction comes through giving pain purpose. I’ve come to understand through my own trauma and healing that my pain is a part of my experience and my experience has shaped who I am. Although I do not take ownership of the actions which caused my trauma, I can accept that my pain was my unique response to those circumstances. It tells of who I was before by how I responded and lead me to who I am now by how I recovered. If existence is passive then living is active. By choosing to live I accepted responsibility for my healing process, my response to opportunity for growth, and my need for healthy change. You don’t have to exist defeated by circumstance; you can choose to live.

Posted on in Identity, personal development

Fixing a Broken Clock

Late: an adjective once used to describe me. It became a family inside joke that I had to be told the time for dinner was an hour before anyone else would show up so I would arrive on time. I was chronically late every day and always rushing! I was exhausted. It seemed the harder I tried to make deadlines the more I struggled to keep up. Sometimes I wondered if I was cursed. This affected every part of my life; family gatherings, church, classes and assignments, work, even rest. I couldn’t simply get to bed on time.

Here is the good news; I wasn’t cursed and neither are you. I was dysfunctional because I lacked understanding of time. What I didn’t understand back then is that time is subjective. When I hit the wall and decided I had to make a change; I discovered I had to change my thoughts about time.

Time management is effective based on two subjective tenets; 1) Perception of Time, 2) Value of Time.

Perception of Time

How long does it take you to tie your shoes? You have a pretty solid understanding of the time required to accomplish the task. Yet, how long will it take a 3 year old to tie his shoes? Any given task may require a different amount of time for different people based on a variety of circumstances. Our personal perception is built on experience. What I find most often in those I counsel on time management is many people were never given the opportunity to build their own perceptions of time because time was controlled for them. This was true for me.

As a child, I was told what to do and when to do it. Any task I was assigned came with a prompting to “do it now” and so I was raised on the principle of obedience in lieu of a principle of autonomy. I believe this made me a good child but didn’t prepare me to be a functioning adult. When I found myself suddenly responsible for my own life I was subconsciously awaiting prompting to do things. Even though I had gained independence and self responsibility to a degree as a teenager and young adult, the training of my childhood was a set internal pattern. It became a conflict that I did not know how to solve. With support, I learned how to understand my own perceptions of time and adequately measure tasks to my level of functioning.

Value of Time

Another element of having your time managed for you is that time retains no personal value. It would be like having someone who manages your money and spends it for you, making all of your financial decisions. When you ask “can I buy this?” and get a yes or no answer, the value of that item is irrelevant. In order to gain respect for the value of money, one must both earn and manage that money to understand its value. Time is no different than money in this manner. In order to gain respect for the value of time it must be personally managed.

In my journey of changing my thoughts about time, I had to begin to see time in quantity. Every task and expenditure of energy has a cost of my time. I could either learn the value of that time and plan ahead to invest properly or else continue accumulating periodic debt as I spent more time than I had. When I was able to understand these principles of time, my life became much more manageable. Now I use and teach tools of effective time management to help others who want to gain control and be present rather than always being late.

Posted on in personal development, Success

So much “stuff”

Do you have clutter in your home? So often we casually allow clutter to become a normal thing. I find it very interesting how Merriam-Webster defines clutter:

 

clutter

noun

1a: a crowded or confused mass or collection
“a clutter of motels and restaurants”
b: things that clutter a place
“tried to minimize the unnecessary clutter in her house”
2: interfering radar echoes caused by reflection from objects (as on the ground) other than the target
3: chiefly dialectal : DISTURBANCE, HUBBUB

The keywords which stand out to me are; confused, unnecessary, and disturbance. These accurately describe how I feel when I am around clutter. Over the past few years I have been on a journey toward minimalism. For awhile the lifestyle called “minimalism” was a hot topic which inspired books, television shows, and a lot of new year resolutions! There is no exact science to what living minimalist looks like because it is different for everyone. For me, it’s about doing more with less. Many of the people I work with struggle with organizing and ridding clutter. I like to share what works for me and I have found it to help many others.

The needs which are common to all people can be satisfied when a person has both a place and a purpose. Our basic physical, emotional, and social needs are satisfied when we have a place to belong. Our higher intellectual/emotional needs are satisfied by having a purpose to accomplish. I truly believe that we must find our place and purpose to be healthy and grow.

If I can personify my “stuff” in this way, it becomes apparent how to rid clutter and organize my home and life. I consider this to be why our stuff is called belongings. That which belongs in my life must have a place and a purpose which compliments my own place and purpose. With this value system in place, I can assess any item and find where it belongs. “Does this item have a functional place in my home?” “Does this item have a functional purpose in my life?” If I cannot validate either of those questions, the item needs to go somewhere it will have a place and purpose. 

My value based assessment is very simple and easy to apply. It has helped me to re-home & re-purpose a significant amount of stuff as I have downsized more than 50% in under two years. It has helped many others along the journey of organizing life and I hope it will help you.
Posted on in Identity, Personal Thoughts

How does race define me?

 

 

Stereotypes exist because people fill the role. I don’t think this is a bad thing in itself. Some stereotypes are very negative and hurtful however. Everyone has the power to be subject to their stereotypes or change the behavior that makes them. Throughout my life I have fit stereotypes in the roles of a mother, a wife, a student, a counselor, etc., and yes… as a white woman.

I spent my early years with a secret anger. People who celebrated their heritage or had cultural customs put me off. I was raised in a non-biological family (for the most part) in which both of my parents were adopted and I lacked knowledge about my roots. Eventually in my teen years we would meet some biological family and learn little bits and pieces but there were a lot of closed doors containing skeletons. Let’s be honest, adoption is never the choice when everything is peachy.

At a certain point in my adult life not knowing got the best of my curiosity. So I began to research. Eventually I completed a DNA test. The results were hugely disappointing. I learned that DNA can’t actually tell you where you are from but it will generate a ton of possibilities. I decided that I wouldn’t stop there. I had questions and wanted answers. So I studied genomic raw data analysis and started to analyse my own raw DNA. I spent many months doing genealogy research side by side with my own DNA analysis and eventually I had some breakthroughs. After a couple years of this process, I was able to identify all four of my biological grandparents and subsequently the generations before them. I traced my roots right back to the countries of origin. I actually wrote a post on this journey in March 2018.

What is important for this piece is that I found some amazing, rich history in my bloodlines. I also found truths behind the secrets. My parents were both adopted out because of twisted, dark family secrets. My grandparents had pasts that were reprehensible. Yet, my own existence proves a new story can be written.

The choices of my ancestors are not mine. I hold no responsibility or guilt for their decisions. These are people that in other circumstances I would have called Grandma or Grandpa. Yet, I do not even bear those family names. I may share some of their physical features but my values and character came from a different family source. I was blessed to be born and raised in very different circumstances and I am thankful for that.

If in one generation an entire family history can be reset and written from scratch; why do people insist on holding the faults and failures of others over an entire cultural group? This I will never understand because my personal journey is not compatible with such thinking. Every race and background has individuals and groups of people who are remembered for bad decisions. In some cases, race has been used to proposition people as superior or inferior. It happens today among groups small and large. I can’t deny this, though I don’t agree with it. I believe culture and heritage should be shared passions and interests. This is the part of my heritage that defines me.

How do we, as a society, move towards respecting individuals and cultural differences in a way that removes the “us versus them” negativity while honoring and preserving differences that make culture unique and beautiful?

Posted on in Emotions

Emotional Flowers

The most guarded, impenetrable prison humanity is captive to are the words of emotional abuse from self and others. A Proverb in the Old Testament says “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” It is a statement which portrays a sobering depth of reality once it is understood to be true.

I describe to my clients how motivation is a matter of mental vegetation. My clients know that I love word pictures and using visual imagery for instilling philosophies into the mind. There are three elements to change which are consistent and universal despite what the aim of the change may be; thoughts, language, and behavior. There is no behavior or action which comes forth in reality that was not born a thought. The thought is a seed. If it is planted and nourished it will grow. As that thought takes root it creates the dialog of which I speak to myself and others. “Thinking” is the mental language of self talk. How I think about myself influences how I view and treat others. This is where behavior blossoms.

What is so often overlooked is how self abuse shapes behaviors of self destruction. If I think (seed) that I am unworthy, incapable, or lacking then my language becomes self-depreciating. My thought flow becomes negativity and arbitrary limits on my potential. Eventually that comes through in my behaviors which are unhealthy and regressive. Where did that bad seed come from? The significance of this understanding is that everything I speak plants seeds in others and if I am not planting positive, encouraging ideas I am leaving space for those personal doubts and fears to grow. Planting strong, positive affirmations in someone’s character can choke out the weeds of insecurity before they grow and overtake one’s entire perception.

Positive change requires planting positive seeds and nurturing them in the language that is expressed in thinking and speaking. If you want to believe what you have planted you must grow it. Healthy change is intentional, not a passive occurrence which happens upon someone. Use the language of positive, confirming thoughts and words in your daily life.

Are you growing beautiful flowers or allowing thorny vines to overtake your emotional garden?

Posted on in Emotions, Identity

The Purpose of Relationship

Are your relationships based on roles or are they an investment of your life?

A common thought is that relationships require us to be something. Certain images come up about what a mother looks like, what a teacher looks like, what a nurse looks like, and so on. Often when we choose a role our relationships begin and end within the context of what those beliefs are about the role’s purpose. We hear stories from the media about exceptional people who act in bravery or kindness which took them far beyond the role they play. This is the way we fall in line. We are told what to expect and then we act within those expectations.

I wasn’t made to fall in line; neither were you. What do we miss when we accept acting out a role in life? We miss relationships. Relationship requires an investment of who I am. It reaches the reason for my roles.  For a nurse, her role may be as simple as running your IV and keeping a record of your vitals. Her reason may be a deep love for humanity and this is how she contributes to caring for the hurt and scared. For a teacher, his role may be to follow a curriculum and keep track of your progress. His reason may be that he believes in your potential. Can you see how different outcomes might be if we allow our reasons to become passions instead of just filling roles?

I want to speak to mothers and fathers. Parenting might be the most common role we share. With rare exceptions, every human being is equipped biologically to parent a child and the great majority do so. Why we do this varies more than any other role. Some parents fall into this role by lack of planning. Some are influenced by family, their own childhood, the pressures of society, a need to nurture, a desire to give and receive love, and the potential reasons here are infinite. How we do this role of parenting varies even more. It seems to be that everyone has their own priorities in parenting and many feel strongly to share their own priorities to other parents.

Are we falling into a role as parents? Someone reading this can relate to feeling disconnected from their own parent. Maybe you had a “good childhood” by most standards; your needs were met. Mom cooked your supper, drove you to practice, loved you when you were ill. Dad taught you to drive, or to play a sport, he directed your discipline and paid your allowance. They filled the roles they felt they were subject to. Of course, many childhood stories deviate in other directions and this is just one example. These parents will say that these activities are an investment of their time and energy; yes they are! There is nothing wrong with filling roles and it is good and necessary. Can we do more?

I often see parents, in particular moms, who vent about giving up some part of themselves. The story sounds like this; “I feel like I have lost myself since becoming a mother.” “I don’t have time for my own needs and my entire identity is being a mom.” “Someday when the kids are grown, maybe I will have time for myself.” These parents are actively living out roles instead of investing in relationships. I also work with adults who echo a similar sentiment; “I feel like I don’t really know who my mom/dad is as a person.” This breaks my heart. These are individuals who come to me looking for help with dysfunctional relationships and have a struggle with their own identities. They were taught how to fill roles but were never taught how to live with reason.

Biologically, emotionally, and spiritually the parent / child relationship is primary. It is the first place where identity is gained. It shapes who we are for better or worse. It promotes our success when nurturing. It cripples our ideas and abilities when damaging. Parents: you are armed with great knowledge now. Giving of yourself, investing in sharing who you are with your children will build them up to know who they are.

 

 

Follow for more to come on parenting and relationships…