Tag: Pain

Posted on in Personal Thoughts, Spirituality

Pt 4: Breaking Through the Surface

Like a baptism of the soul, as the dawn broke, she rose up from the brokenness with a new spirit in power. Her soul was cleansed in the fire, her body was cleansed in the blood, the reality of the power of her intention appeared in fullness, echoing assurance through her entire being. She is whole. She lacks nothing. She knows that love is alive in her.

In the darkness of a new moon, she set an intention to move through the transition, breaking her grip on the past and opening her arms wide towards the potential. In that shadow of the moon, she called out to the breathtaking, beautiful, divine feminine. As they came face to face, eye to eye, she saw her own reflection looking back at her, smiling in a wordless language that said, “You are enough. You possess all that you will ever need. Everything You desire is called to you by your thoughts, your intention, and your spoken declaration in love. Peace is at home in You. I am Yours, and You are Mine. Never forget who you are, who you came from, and where you are going.”

With confidence and poise, she lit each candle. She watched as they burned away what no longer served her. The transforming power of the flame dissipated something seen into something unseen, breaking loose every force in the universe to conspire for her good. She laid her head to rest with a peace unspeakable. She woke to the morning light with confirmation that her heart is pure, and her future is secure.

Posted on in Emotions, Identity, Personal Thoughts, trauma

Pt 2: On The Floor

It happened sooner than I expected. If I’m honest, everyone expected it. Maybe it wasn’t sooner, but actually, long overdue. It’s somehow like having a houseplant in the window that you’ve watched slowly die over many years. At first, it was beautiful, alive, and brought you joy when you looked at it. Over time, it began to fade for a variety of reasons. Regular care became occasional splashes of water that might give it a little perking up but never actually nourished it. As it faded, you drew the blinds to hide the painful truth. The lack of sunlight and fresh air from the outside only allowed it to wilt more. At some point, you realized it was dead and unsalvageable. So, you kept the blinds closed, you quit attempting to water it at all, and you just accepted that it was lost. Yet, you left it there because you couldn’t bring yourself to throw it away. If you looked at it, you would remember fondly how beautiful it once was and how it made you feel when it bloomed. Sure, it only bloomed a handful of times but while it was still green you embraced the hope that it could bloom again. The more it faded the more foolish that hope felt and at some point, you traded hope for reminiscing. You stopped looking to the future and just wouldn’t let go of the past. Until the moment came, someone threw open the window, knocking the plant out of your reach and it shattered on the floor. The dry, exhausted plant laid shriveled up on the floor, roots exposed, surrounded by dirt too deep to just brush away, and shattered pieces of the beautiful pottery that once contained its essence now looking like total devastation.

I take in a deep breathe that feels like it’s crushing my soul in such a tight space in my chest. In this moment, I realize I am the plant. My world is shattered around me. The dirt is everywhere, too deep to even see through at this point. My roots lie in the open, forcing me to see every wound that contributed to the rot of my foundation. What was once alive, cared for, wanted, and beautiful, is a shadow of the past and resembles an identity that doesn’t look anything like the truth of the seed it grew from. I remember the seed. I look up at the ceiling and know I have to clean up this mess. Just for today, I will not worry about tomorrow, or think about yesterday, because I’ve been there for so long that I missed this moment for far too long. So long in fact, that the end of forever came suddenly, so it seems.

Posted on in Emotions, Personal Thoughts

RElationships, Love & Pain

A comforting scripture reference from my earliest childhood memories taught me that God keeps no record of our wrongs. From the silly mistakes to the outright rebellion, all is forgivable in God’s eyes. What a truly incredible concept. People certainly do not have that superpower. People often don’t forgive, and they never forget.

I’m blessed with a curse, some might say, in that I have the ability to see people through the eyes of Love. I know it’s a gift, but it sure has stirred up some people throughout my lifetime. I’m quick to forgive. I believe in reconciliation. I understand that a person is not defined by thoughts or actions alone.

So then, how do we handle the greatest of offenses? How do we live with what we can’t forget? My energy isn’t usually matched in willingness to let go and carry on when I value a relationship. I’ve even found myself caught in a triangle where two opposing parties won’t budge and so I end up hurt because any choice I make will cause friction. Man, it’s a painful place to live.

Lately, I’ve been thinking more about how the past is permanent. The words that have been said can’t be unsaid. Choices and actions, once committed, permanently alter the path forward. Of course, a change in direction is always possible. Yet, what’s done is done. We can hold on tight and allow it to dictate our existence. Or we can let go and make room for what could be.

In relationships, love trumps pain, if we embrace love. Sadly, some people are married to pain. Maybe there’s unhealed trauma blocking the road to forgiveness. Maybe pride won’t open the gate. Any obstacle in your mind is only keeping you from healing yourself and your relationships. Don’t let that be your story. Someday, you’ll be long gone but your story can bring healing in generations to come.

Posted on in Identity, mindset

Trauma is a Buzzword

Everywhere from social media to mainstream media, people are talking about trauma. Like no other time in history, we have access to an abundance of trauma-informed care options that range from self-help to professional help. Even the term, trauma-informed, is a cultural norm in 2022. So where did all this trauma come from? Are there really so many people with trauma?

Traditionally, trauma was viewed as a major, life-altering, negative event. War, natural disaster, death, loss, divorce, abuse, etc. were all the well-known causes of trauma. Today, it seems like anything can be considered traumatic depending on what definition you apply to it. There is some truth to this. How we experience an event can mean much more than the event itself. That’s why a group of people can go through the same disaster and come out with very different effects. Yet, if state-of-mind determines if something is traumatic, then being stuck in trauma response would logically create more trauma with new situations. Seems like quite the cycle.

When I embarked on my journey as a counselor over a decade ago, my vantage point was a trauma-informed therapist. My own life story contains the pain which lead to me wanting to help others. Not only did I have first-hand experience, but I trained and studied in the various theories and modalities that would help me to help others the way I had been helped. At some point along the way, as trauma became a mainstream concept, I started to pull back from seeking out the trauma in others. Honestly, it is overwhelming to be aware of and intimately involved in the pain and healing process of others.

Recently, I have come to accept that the things which were healed in me, still exist in me. Even though triggers lost their power and coping was replaced by understanding, I am shaped by my experiences. Both the undoing and the rebuilding are mine. Life takes me through cycles where I find a sensitivity, I deconstruct the ideology which is causing me pain, I heal and define my own understanding, and I use it to help the next soul who is brought my way. Today, like so many years ago, my passion to heal the world starts with healing a newly uncovered part of me.

Posted on in mindset

Hard Truths. Pt 2

I’ve been through the growth process of encountering truth a few times in my life. First, there is an encounter with a new idea. Second, there is an awareness of the authenticity that is truth. Third, there is the turmoil of cognitive dissonance. Fourth, there comes an acceptance of the truth which sparks great motivation. (For some, the process ends at step four with rejecting the truth.) Fifth, there is a decluttering and organizing process that takes place as old ideas and new ideas are questioned in light of the new truth. This is where there is some letting go of what no longer suites my reality and some embracing of new concepts that seem to fit just right and feel like they’ve been known all along. Finally, there is a time of peace and joy that comes with encountering truth.

I have found that each time something new and true is encountered, the process becomes easier as it grows more familiar. At first the process feels very much like a process and each step can unfold in a very calculated and thoughtful way. At some point, that spiritual sense is stronger and the process is more like a quick flow of simply acknowledging the truth and welcoming it home. Intuition is a muscle that grows stronger with regular exercise.

I invested a lot of years into “higher education” learning skills and gaining understanding of the human mind. My path was a winding road rather than a straight line. Along the way I learned a lot about life, about education, and about what it means to be successful. I learned much more from people and experiences than anything I learned from books. And you should know I am an avid reader who loves books.

When I completed graduate school and stepped into the clinical world, I learned some hard truths. Simply put, I learned that the clinical world was not for me. So much that I encountered created moral conflict for me. I will go deeper on that in the next article. I also learned that, like most industries, the mental health arena is highly guarded, highly regulated, and it is an exclusive club. The price of membership is high; it will cost your moral and ethical dedication to boards of so-called experts who are governed by the same system that uses witchcraft, mind-control, and the love of money to guide all decisions.

I titled this Hard Truths for a reason. Accepting that last revelation was the beginning of my freedom. With an open mind, it can be yours too.

Part 2

This is part 2 of a 4-part series that will be released in November & December 2021. Part 1 introduces the topic of cognitive dissonance and the foundational truth that not everything is as it seems. Part 2 develops the process of accepting truth and the personal revelations that became apparent to me once I sought truth.

Posted on in mindset

Betrayal

The thing about betrayal is there must be some level of trust and moral expectation in order for it to be betrayed. That kind of hurt comes with shock or surprise. It is sobering, a let down from how you previously viewed someone. It is the misuse of trust that comes from giving something of yourself with the expectation that the part of you will be honored.

Recently, I was betrayed when someone stole my intellectual property. I had trusted this person to collaborate with me and had intended to work together in a business relationship. That did not happen and instead this person abused my trust, copied my writing, and used my business ideas for personal gain. Have you ever heard “Copying is flattery”? The sentiment insinuates that you have inspired someone so that they want to model after what you do. I suppose that to inspire someone to do something similar would be a nice gesture. However, when they take your literal words it does not feel flattering at all. It’s dirty.

I want to approach this with sage wisdom. It’s something I am learning to do in this season of life. In fact, I am being taught how to “retrain my brain” in a new way. I often teach others how to retrain the brain, a phrase I’ve used for years, and it’s exciting to learn new skills that I hope to share with others soon. So despite how it FEELS to be used for content, I choose to accept that my work is good enough to be admired. Despite the direct plagiarism and it’s moral indications, I choose to accept that my written words are only an outpouring of my ideas and personality, therefore my value is more than words. I choose curiosity about how I can move forward with the knowledge that I have a good foundation and I am ready for the adventure of the next chapter.

I can remember a time when obstacles made me stop. I would often get stuck trying to rationalize things that happened and therefore were in the past now. In this season of life, I am empowered to find the gift in any obstacle I encounter. I have some powerful mentors to thank for such a perspective. Are you getting stuck at obstacles in the road? Or do you have the creativity to climb or move them? You don’t have to do it alone. Reach out if you want to connect for support. I’m happy to help.

Photo by Lidia Riehman on Pexels.com
Posted on in Identity, personal development

A New Angle

To think; I’ve been placed here on a little 2 acre lot, teaming with life and love, to truly see just how deep, connected, and vast life really is.

Know these things: I believe that perpetual personal development is essential to happiness and fulfillment in life. Also, I believe that pain is the divinely appointed catalyst to change, and change demands growth. Simply, life involves pain and we will meet it at set appointments throughout the journey of living.

Often pain comes through a gradual building of pressure. The ups and downs of life can sometimes tip towards overwhelm with things that need to be experienced. This has been true for me a few times in my journey. Recently, a combination of big shifts and smaller tensions had set me off balance and searching for clarity. Although I did not lack peace, I was not in a comfortable space in my emotions. For me, this indicates work to be done, and so I did.

Very recently I had an epiphany. My overwhelm resolved quite quickly into a peaceful understanding. I used a visual analogy to describe the very abstract resolution in my mind, it follows. Eggs fit nicely into egg cartons. Pears do not. Both an egg and a pear have similar purpose, similar characteristics, and are certainly useful. I have been a pear trying to squeeze into an egg carton. Now that I can see the pear from the egg, it makes sense. My pear represents emotions and beliefs which seemed to set me apart from the eggs I was among. That part of me, representative of the greater whole, doesn’t look like a carton full of eggs all alike. It looks a lot like a bowl of fruit with more color, shapes, flavors, and excitement. I better understand my peace now.

Posted on in personal development

Conflict; Don’t avoid it.

Do you avoid conflict? Maybe you keep your thoughts to yourself when you feel you should speak. Maybe you distance yourself from someone because you disagree with their choice. Or maybe you don’t pursue that passion ticking inside of you because the risk of losing your comfort is too high. If you are avoiding conflict because it’s easier or feels more safe; are you enjoying your life in a box?

I’m going to give you the key to peace. Conflict exists whether you deal with it or not. It is the way of the universe. Conflict is not the opposite of peace. Avoiding it will not give you peace. If you’ve tried that you already know it’s true. Peace comes by using conflict properly to align with your values.

Conflict is a type of contrast. It illuminates something – like a dashboard light. We should pay attention to it. We should take action when necessary and when no harm would occur. It is often easier to objectively view a situation that you are not in the middle of. So many people say to me “I always give others advice but rarely take my own advice!” So if you have a conflict to face, don’t go at it alone. “Where there is no guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory.” Proverbs 11:14

If you do not deal with conflict while it is external, it will become internal. When we isolate, evade a person or situation, don’t speak truth, or shut in our passions and pain- the conflict lives on inside. The damage is hidden and personal. You don’t have to stay in that state of mind a moment longer.

Posted on in Addiction

The Familiar Taste of Poison

It’s a song by one of my favorite bands: Halestorm. It is also an ideal sentiment which introduces a topic I have been walking with for many years. A line in the song states, “The sweet escape is always laced with the familiar taste of poison.” This line captures two dimensions of addiction which I feel are defining to a battle that often consumes life.

Addiction is a symptom; a display of repeat behaviors connected to an underlying issue. Although the particular behaviors and choices can vary greatly from one individual to the next, the source of this drive is universal which is disconnect. Addiction is born in an abrupt loss of control and the symptomatic behaviors serve to sooth a perceived need for familiarity and comfort.

The Sweet Escape…

Anything I can become addicted to must provide an escape from discomfort. It is a thing; a substance, an emotion, a reaction, a connection, of some sort which provides pleasure and comfort that is stronger than a hurt I am experiencing. This is what we call the “high,” that something which elevates me above my pain. So in order to be eligible to become addicted, I must first experience emotional and physical pain.

I believe the key here is the “and” and not an option between the two. Sometimes physical pain such as injury is connected to an emotional loss or insecurity. Other times an emotional pain becomes so overwhelming that it creates physical effects. When pain connects the physical and emotional experience it trounces the entire being. If pain is merely physical there is an option of mind over matter so that it can be managed. When emotional experiences are merely feelings they can be compartmentalized into cognitive existence. It is when pain connects these two realms that it has the potential to become an unmanageable reality.

The Familiar Taste…

People naturally want to escape pain. It is common to any creature, including humans, to flee from pain or discomfort. It is a common, everyday occurrence that people utilize escapes both physically and emotionally. We seek out conversations with friends or family and sometimes professional support to escape the burden of emotions which are difficult to bear alone. We use medications to escape physical pain.

Humans are creatures of habit and succumb to what is familiar. I often say, you can’t change what you don’t know to exist. Any habit, action, or thought pattern which I am unaware of I am powerless to. So maybe power over addiction bears the necessity of understanding where the roots are. The “drug” isn’t the problem. The pain the drug is soothing is what must be healed. That takes work but so does avoidance. Avoiding conflict does not remove the conflict. It simply moves it inside where you work hard to bury it. Either way, you are expending the energy of fighting. 

I believe defeating addiction comes through giving pain purpose. I’ve come to understand through my own trauma and healing that my pain is a part of my experience and my experience has shaped who I am. Although I do not take ownership of the actions which caused my trauma, I can accept that my pain was my unique response to those circumstances. It tells of who I was before by how I responded and lead me to who I am now by how I recovered. If existence is passive then living is active. By choosing to live I accepted responsibility for my healing process, my response to opportunity for growth, and my need for healthy change. You don’t have to exist defeated by circumstance; you can choose to live.