It’s become repeated so much that it’s almost nauseating to say, self-care. What is self-care and are you doing it wrong? Most people have the completely wrong idea about what this thing is and how to go about it. Let me help you see it a little differently.
The answers are usually similar when I ask, “what are you doing to take care of yourself?” Popular responses include, watching tv, taking a yearly vacation, walking the dog, eating something to sooth emotions, getting a pedicure, and going out to lunch with friends every couple of months. Some people are surprised to learn that none of that is self-care. Some of it qualifies as self-pampering and that’s an okay thing to do! Some of it is the opposite of care and is actually toxic and destructive.
So, what is self-care? Let’s look at this from another angle. If you were given sole responsibility of a small child for the day, what kinds of things would you do to take care of her? There are some obvious basics like safety and nourishment. That would get you by for a moment and is absolutely necessary care. Spend a little more time with your tiny tot and you will quickly realize she has needs for connection, affection, releasing energy, engaging imagination, learning, exploring her environment, etc. The care of a child is quite involved in order for her to thrive and flourish.
As an adult, you are the provider of self-care, or in other words, the sole responsible party to meet your basic care needs. You become, figuratively, the small child you are caring for and the responsible adult providing that care. Your self-care should look like the things you do every day to meet your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. The occasional spa day or vacation can certainly contribute to that but it’s not enough alone! Imagine someone asking how things are going with taking care of your new little bundle-of-joy and you respond, “Well she got a massage last month and there is a family vacation coming up next summer she’s looking forward to.” That’s often the kind of mindset I encounter with self-care.
There is so much you can do for yourself. It comes down to individual decisions. Every choice you make throughout every day can contribute to your self-care being a healthy expression of self-love. Our needs are fairly consistent throughout life even though how we meet them can change.
This week I wrote a guest post on another blog. It was a simple encouragement about the possibility of overcoming social anxiety. This is an arena where I have a lot of experience and I have first-hand success in helping people overcome anxiety. There is a defining mindset that absolutely matters when trying to overcome any mental obstacle. What you believe matters.
This could not be more evident than when interacting on social media. People display what they believe in how they respond to any challenging thought. Some people become invested supporters because they see the vision. Others become boisterous opposition because they cannot accept anything that challenges what they believe. Those are the people who are clinging to excuses and are not yet capable of true change. Wouldn’t you know, they came for me when I suggested that anxiety can be overcome! How dare I offer to take away their crutches and show them how to walk!
Okay, I’m being slightly flippant while enjoying the show. I love how people say everything you need to know without speaking. This illuminated a concept for me that is too good not to share. Trigger safety matters.
Where you point the barrel matters. How you place your finger matters. Knowing your equipment matters. If we are talking about real guns, every part of gun safety matters. Who would argue that? Trauma and emotional regulation are a lot like holding a loaded gun. The second the trigger is pulled, your control ends. The bullet will hit what it was aimed at. You have to be prepared for the possible outcomes prior to the trigger pull.
Trauma loads a bullet. It becomes your responsibility to learn your equipment, maintain it in good working order, and always be aware of where the barrel is pointed. Your mind and body are the equipment. If left unattended, unkept, you become vulnerable to someone pulling your trigger. They say guns don’t kill people and there is always a person pulling the trigger. What does that say about trauma and our responsibility to heal?
I know it’s deep, inspiring, or maybe challenging to think about trauma in this way. Just like social anxiety, I believe you can overcome it. Healing is possible.
Everywhere from social media to mainstream media, people are talking about trauma. Like no other time in history, we have access to an abundance of trauma-informed care options that range from self-help to professional help. Even the term, trauma-informed, is a cultural norm in 2022. So where did all this trauma come from? Are there really so many people with trauma?
Traditionally, trauma was viewed as a major, life-altering, negative event. War, natural disaster, death, loss, divorce, abuse, etc. were all the well-known causes of trauma. Today, it seems like anything can be considered traumatic depending on what definition you apply to it. There is some truth to this. How we experience an event can mean much more than the event itself. That’s why a group of people can go through the same disaster and come out with very different effects. Yet, if state-of-mind determines if something is traumatic, then being stuck in trauma response would logically create more trauma with new situations. Seems like quite the cycle.
When I embarked on my journey as a counselor over a decade ago, my vantage point was a trauma-informed therapist. My own life story contains the pain which lead to me wanting to help others. Not only did I have first-hand experience, but I trained and studied in the various theories and modalities that would help me to help others the way I had been helped. At some point along the way, as trauma became a mainstream concept, I started to pull back from seeking out the trauma in others. Honestly, it is overwhelming to be aware of and intimately involved in the pain and healing process of others.
Recently, I have come to accept that the things which were healed in me, still exist in me. Even though triggers lost their power and coping was replaced by understanding, I am shaped by my experiences. Both the undoing and the rebuilding are mine. Life takes me through cycles where I find a sensitivity, I deconstruct the ideology which is causing me pain, I heal and define my own understanding, and I use it to help the next soul who is brought my way. Today, like so many years ago, my passion to heal the world starts with healing a newly uncovered part of me.
Since the word March is both the current month and an action one can perform, it seems fitting to make this month all about movement. (Yes, I am a grammar nerd.) In this 2022 series, last month we talked about embodiment which includes how we move in and live in our bodies. This month I want to talk about movement because it is absolutely foundational to health and wellness.
If you fail to move, you will allow disorder in the body. Most people who encounter disease give up movement in the process. It is cyclic cause and effect. Even the “mental health disorders” directly affect physical movement. Depression generates lethargy. Anxiety gives rise to “freezing” or feeling paralyzed to act or move. Psychosis can in fact lock someone in their head, causing dissociation from the body and mental absence from the present moment. When movement ceases, the many systems of the body deteriorate and create complex issues. At this moment, I want to say that if you are struggling with a mental or physical ailment that resonates with this idea, please seek professional help. You must have support and a process to get healthy again.
For those of us who fall into the range of normal in our health and wellness, even if there is room for improvement, let’s talk about how we are moving. How active are you? Do you move from one place to another throughout the day with little to no physical activity? How often do you exercise for pleasure? Something strange has happened in our culture where exercise became a dirty word and people who are physically unhealthy look down on people who do it. I believe we need to get back to exercise being the norm. Not necessarily going to a gym or artificial movement, although for some that is a great outlet. We need to learn to find our natural movement and embrace it. We are alive and should be active!
Over the upcoming weeks, if you follow me on social media, I am going to be sharing little thoughts and tips all about movement. I hope you will check it out and actually ponder each concept. If you identify an obstacle in your mindset or motivation about movement and increasing your physical health, connect with me. I’d love to support you and provide accountability in your journey.
“In a time of universal deceit – telling the truth is a revolutionary act.” George Orwell
I’ve used four short pages to skip a stone across the surface of two decades of life experience and discovery. I could talk for hours in more depth about the particulars that have led me to some of these thoughts. My purpose in this season is simply to introduce some ideas so that someone might have their lightbulb turned on and someone else might find a companion of like mind on a strange and lonely journey into the truth.
Maybe like I once was, you have found certain truths illuminated and you are trying to navigate between what you thought you knew and what you now know. Maybe you are a little further down the trail and picking the wild flowers of truth that are popping up on either side of the path you are walking. At this point, I hope this series has encouraged you to seek truth and accept the possibility of changing your mind when you find it. I hope you at least comprehend that there are corrupt systems everywhere that do not have your best interest or mine at heart. I hope you understand, know, and believe that you are full of potential, you possess everything you need to heal and thrive. You might need a little help finding it inside of you or some inspiration to create what you were meant to create; that’s okay.
Here is the final Truth, which isn’t so hard to believe but has a lot of hard work and effort behind it to make it reality. Change is on the horizon. The old systems that have secured the blindfold on so many are being exposed and are falling away from those who seek and behold truth. There is a better way. People are incredible creations with passion, purpose, and potential for so much! A lot of us got lost along the way, buried under hurt and trauma. Now some of us have been through the process of healing and finding truth so that we can lift others up and spread hope and love to the world again.
For me, the most positive change was letting go of the expectations (and labels) of others. If you know my story, you know that I am a counselor with extensive training and multiple degrees. At times I have questioned if I wasted much time and money. Yet, I know that everything is useful for learning and growing as a person and professionally. So when I made the decision to not follow through with testing for my LPC (License in Professional Counseling) it was a huge mental battle. I had been taught (brainwashed) to believe that the only good counselor was the one with the right credentials. I spent too much time over the years deciding what those credentials should be for me, earning certifications and credits towards my best laid plans. In fact, I have the degrees and skills for both LPC and MFT credentialling. My heart knew better than to stay on that path. I knew I would be restricted from practicing what I believe and ultimately burn out. It took time, networking, more education – a lot of the self-lead kind, and talking with God to understand what my direction and purpose is. I chose to become a Life Coach. For me, this was the path to freedom for my passion and leading others into freedom as well. No diagnosis, no medication, no dependency on me to fix lives, but the position to share my story and skills and help others in their journeys of healing and learning to live in peace and joy. This is my Why I do what I do.
Let me tell you something amazing about my journey. I’m not just a counselor; I’m an encourager, a hope dealer, a healer and guide, an inspirer, a truth seeker, a networker, a speaker, and a Coach. Helping others to find their voice and healing has come from me finding my own. Sharing on such a deep level has opened doors because my passion flows. I am happy in life and I love my work. I want everyone to feel this way.
I am a psychodynamic Coach. I help people with the broken connections in their lives. Often, that means working through emotional pain, past trauma, and into forgiveness. There isn’t much I haven’t encountered in the many years I’ve been doing this. Sometimes though, there is something I am not meant to walk through with you. Sometimes I am simply not the right person you need. If that is the case, I will help you get to your next destination. Connection is my thing, if you didn’t notice. I have an amazing network of associates and acquaintances who compliment what I do in their own unique ways. As I’ve released this series, I have showcased some of them for you on social media. I want people to know that there are options. I’m not against therapy when it is needed. I do feel that it’s overprescribed and often mismanaged. So many people I’ve worked with have told me they have been in therapy for 15, 20, 30+ years with no results! This usually comes after a couple weeks of working together and they have an amazing breakthrough. Some people are shocked when coaching causes shifts that they didn’t know possible. Shifts, growth, and positive change are part of the process. That’s what coaching can do for you. If you are feeling stuck, and maybe you’ve tried therapy but didn’t really need that method, I believe whole-hearted that coaching can change your life.
Part 4
This is part 4 of a 4 part series that will be released in November & December 2021.
If you enjoyed this topic series and want to know more, look for a new series about life coaching and therapeutic options, coming soon!
My education, my background, and my passion is built on psychology, professional counseling, marriage and family therapy, human services, and a solid belief in the potential to heal brokenness and trauma. I embrace many thoughts and theories about human understanding and behavior. What I don’t embrace is how something that once was about seeking truth has become a system of control. I know there are good intentioned people in that system. Just like there are good doctors and nurses in a corrupt medical system. (Those two arenas are directly connected, in case you didn’t know.)
So with years of experience, exceptional skills, and a passion for helping people, why would I abandon the mental health field?
The System. I could convince you that the system of professionals you will need to get support from is for your benefit. I was trained to do so. You’ll need your primary doctor to check your health and any specialists for particular issues. You’ll need your therapist to talk to, your psychiatrist to prescribe you the pills that will prove you are sane, your social worker to connect you with additional resources, your case manager to oversee all of your appointments and resources, and so on. It sure looks like you have a lot of support! Any one of those individuals might actually support you and have your best interest in mind. Again, it’s not any one or even all of those people and their positions I despise. It’s THE SYSTEM. You won’t find any one of those professionals going rouge and encouraging anything other than the prescribed path of the medical model. Tell them you don’t need the pills or ask for an alternative and natural remedy. Watch the doors slam closed. There is a prescribed path to treatment that ensures everyone gets in on the money.
The Money. (i.e.: insurance). Someone has to be making the decisions that make up the system. It’s your insurance. Most people depend on insurance to pay for anything related to “health.” We have been conditioned to do so. In fact, most people believe that health is defined by this system. Go back and read part 1 about deceptions we accept as reality. This is one of the first areas I started getting blips on my moral antenna. I didn’t see anything that looked like HEALTHcare happening. In fact, I saw a lot of people being encouraged to stay dependent on the system- the exact opposite of caring for their health.
Diagnosis. In order for your insurance to pay for you to talk to someone, you must have a mental health disorder that is diagnosable. All of the time spent on learning how to diagnose people seemed very altruistic. Once I entered the clinical realm, aka real-world application, I had to re-learn how to diagnose everyone for access to services. This ultimately was my breaking point; something I will share more about later. The key here is that your diagnosis links you to other potential services (see #1) and keeps that money flowing through the system.
Mental Health doesn’t exist. This may be the hardest truth you encounter today. It’s made up. It’s an extension of the medical model in which a severed and separate part of you is treated by physical (pharmaceutical) means for spontaneous dysfunction. That cannot be true. You are an ecosystem. There is no spontaneous dysfunction. Everything happens for a reason. Often the reason is simple and logical. Just because we don’t know the reason does not negate a logical cause and effect. The truth is, we actually DO know most of the reasons! (We being humanity, collectively, somewhere among us.) What I am saying is that the truth is out there. It’s hidden, maybe by the system that profits from causing “mental health issues.”
At this point, someone reading this is already rejecting a newly encountered truth. We are most likely to reject truth which threatens our identity. If that is you, let me extend to you grace and hope. You will find what you are meant to find when you are meant to have it. I believe that. Sometimes we see seeds being planted and don’t know when they will grow or what they will become. If you feel a sense of curiosity, of wonder, of intrigue, or any openness to new information, You are on the right path and will continue to find what you are meant to find as you are ready for it. Be blessed.
Part 3
This is part 3 of a 4 part series that will be released in November & December 2021. Part 1 introduces the topic of cognitive dissonance and the foundational truth that not everything is as it seems. Part 2 develops the process of accepting truth and the personal revelations that became apparent to me once I sought truth. Part 3 exposes the system and the moral conflict it creates. It also shines a light on the hope and reason of a better way.
I’ve been through the growth process of encountering truth a few times in my life. First, there is an encounter with a new idea. Second, there is an awareness of the authenticity that is truth. Third, there is the turmoil of cognitive dissonance. Fourth, there comes an acceptance of the truth which sparks great motivation. (For some, the process ends at step four with rejecting the truth.) Fifth, there is a decluttering and organizing process that takes place as old ideas and new ideas are questioned in light of the new truth. This is where there is some letting go of what no longer suites my reality and some embracing of new concepts that seem to fit just right and feel like they’ve been known all along. Finally, there is a time of peace and joy that comes with encountering truth.
I have found that each time something new and true is encountered, the process becomes easier as it grows more familiar. At first the process feels very much like a process and each step can unfold in a very calculated and thoughtful way. At some point, that spiritual sense is stronger and the process is more like a quick flow of simply acknowledging the truth and welcoming it home. Intuition is a muscle that grows stronger with regular exercise.
I invested a lot of years into “higher education” learning skills and gaining understanding of the human mind. My path was a winding road rather than a straight line. Along the way I learned a lot about life, about education, and about what it means to be successful. I learned much more from people and experiences than anything I learned from books. And you should know I am an avid reader who loves books.
When I completed graduate school and stepped into the clinical world, I learned some hard truths. Simply put, I learned that the clinical world was not for me. So much that I encountered created moral conflict for me. I will go deeper on that in the next article. I also learned that, like most industries, the mental health arena is highly guarded, highly regulated, and it is an exclusive club. The price of membership is high; it will cost your moral and ethical dedication to boards of so-called experts who are governed by the same system that uses witchcraft, mind-control, and the love of money to guide all decisions.
I titled this Hard Truths for a reason. Accepting that last revelation was the beginning of my freedom. With an open mind, it can be yours too.
Part 2
This is part 2 of a 4-part series that will be released in November & December 2021. Part 1 introduces the topic of cognitive dissonance and the foundational truth that not everything is as it seems. Part 2 develops the process of accepting truth and the personal revelations that became apparent to me once I sought truth.
Imagine you are on a train. The train is moving along smoothly, at a comfortable speed. The the motion is relaxing. Outside the windows there are beautifully unfolding landscapes; mountains, woods and rivers, an immaculate sky in the background. It is a peaceful, pleasant ride.
You are on the edge of your seat. Sweat is beading down your forehead and your whole body aches with tension. Your stomach is tight and you feel as though you might get sick. You are missing the beautiful landscape and the relaxing atmosphere of the ride. Instead, your neck is cranked so that you can see out the window and straight ahead. Every hill or shadow in front of the train makes you clench your fists tight to the seat cushion. Your anxiety is in full throttle.
Your greatest fear is experiencing a train crash. So instead of being present in the moment to enjoy a blissful ride, you are thinking about the “what ifs” and potential tragedy. It doesn’t matter that you are in a safe place with a near non-existent chance of actual danger. As soon as your brain recognized that just being on a train that is moving left a minute chance and opportunity for disaster, you locked onto that thought. You are actively watching for danger, of which you have no control to do anything about anyway.
Anxiety is a thief. Fear robs us of pleasure and enjoyment. You could be taking in the moment and noticing all the pleasant things about your experience. Instead, you are trapped way up high in your head, in a place that doesn’t actually exist – the land of hasn’t-happened.
What if you could be present on the train? What if you could see the sunset over the hills and notice how wonderful it really is? What if the dangers and disasters in your mind don’t have to take up space there anymore? You can choose presence and peace. I can help.
If you’ve traveled highways you’ve likely seen a sign for a weigh station. Trucks that haul goods have to make stops at those stations for a check up. Physics dictate that hauling too much weight is bad for the truck and the road. Being overloaded can be dangerous to self and others.
The human mind is a lot like a truck in that way. Hauling around too much weight and being overloaded is dangerous and not healthy. If you keep heaping on mental and emotional burdens without ever organizing or dropping some of the load you are headed for disaster.
I love the image of the scale and use it often with my clients. Imagine that there is a scale before you much like the old fashion golden saucers used in mining. That scale is hanging on a rope of which you are holding the other end. You must pull that rope to level the scale and every ounce of weight added is a burden you physically feel and must leverage against. How hard do you want to work?
Every thing in your life represents a weight. Your relationships, your possessions, your thoughts; they all have a weight value. Some things are rather light and other things are rather heavy. The things you choose to take on you will bear the weight of.
Now imagine that your scale is poised on a pulley that helps you resist the weight. That pulley is your personal support, or how you take care of yourself. The more you invest in your care the bigger and better that pulley is. In fact, you can have an entire pulley system that displaces the weight and helps you to bear the load. Those pulleys and parts are made up of your support system; the people and things which have a positive impact on your life. So even a heavier load can be more easily managed with the right support system.
You still have to hold your rope. You must bear the burden of your life, even with a great support system there is work. Sometimes others will add weights to your scale. Sometimes you will need to remove some things and make wise adjustments. You can always expand your pulley system. Please take the time often to not only build, but to oil and maintain your supports. Take time for a balance checkpoint. Does your scale need tidying? Does your support system need some attention?
Mellow Moment Holistic Wellness 