People often joke about the moon. “Watch out! It’s a full moon and all the crazy people are out!” Sometimes it’s playful or sarcastic, other times it’s rooted in fear or frustration. It wouldn’t stick if not for the truth behind it. Even if it’s not always understood, it is commonly accepted that the moon has energy and an influence over people. The ocean obeys it. Women’s bodies function by the cycle of the moon. Superstitions and spiritual practices encompass the power and reverence of the moon.
The recent new moon was particularly powerful. There was a massive impact that affected people’s moods, decision making, and shifts in relationships and associations. New moon energy begs us to rest, to let nature have her way, and to allow death and endings to have their place. The moon “dies” giving no light and allowing space for her shadow. We should be doing the same. Let the noise die, choose rest, sit with the shadow for a night, prepare for increase that follows the pause.
Giving mind to the moon and how it interacts with the world has taught me a lot about nature, cycles, and truth. I’ve gained confidence in understanding things about the feminine nature. I’ve learned to embrace the cycle in my body, my emotions, my work and rest. I recommend this for anyone on an inner healing journey who is ready to dive deep in understanding self. I offer guidance on your inner healing journey, if you’re looking for direction.
I was raised Christian. A statement that I used to believe meant I was part of an exclusive, unified group. I know better now. I’ve come to understand that my upbringing was far from normal and even quite different from the average Christian upbringing. I attended a private, Christian academy for elementary school. In Kindergarten, I learned my ABC’s by reciting Bible verses. My childhood was so old fashioned that I was spanked by the Principal on my first day of school for talking too much. Being silenced is a message I am still trying to heal from.
My entire adolescence and teenage years were guided by “Biblical, Christian” ideals. Christian music, Christian literature, Christian figures, pastors, and teachers all overshadowed the very limited “worldly” content I was exposed to.
I wasn’t spared from living in the real world where growing up sucks and bad stuff happens. My parents did the best they could and their intentions were to protect me. Truthfully, my parents gave me religion but that religion gave me fear, doubt, shame, and anxiety from a variety of sources I was encouraged to trust.
Conflict
I didn’t know how much conflict existed inside of me until I was a grown adult experiencing a lot of suffering. I can look back and see it but in the moment I just felt lost. It’s ironic, since my religion was supposed to make me “saved” and “lost” was what all the others were labeled. That was one of many contradictions I had to unravel.
Rarely, I can pinpoint who or what planted a certain belief in me. Mostly, it was the compound messages I received over and over again from many sources that stuck the deepest. There were handfuls of voices that echoed things like, “girls can’t wear pants or cut their hair,” “children and women shouldn’t speak,” “be seen but not heard,” “fulfill your duties as a woman,” “don’t question authority,” the layers of how to properly be submissive, the very distinct roles of men and women, what constitutes value in human life, and so much more.
My greatest conflict came through marriage. I married young, quick, and naive to a narcissistic man who wanted control. I only wanted to be a good wife and mother. My greatest fear was failing at those things. When things got really bad in the marriage, he suddenly “found God” and quickly became very religious. Not the kind of religion that a person takes personally for growth and reflection; rather the kind that gives a man power over a woman and total control of his own universe “because God said so.” I wish I could say I saw the light and knew he was in the wrong, but all that training about authority, submission, and the sanctity of marriage left me drowning in pain and heartbreak while I constantly tried to be good enough. The fear of going to hell for not obeying, for ending up in a divorce, or for thinking bad thoughts, kept me paralyzed for many years.
The Breakdown
One day I stopped believing in hell, and my whole life changed. This wasn’t a sudden change or flippant decision. It took years to digest and finally embrace. A couple years after getting married and shortly after having my first baby, I decided to go to college. I spent the next decade in college earning degrees and consuming everything I could learn. I changed majors a couple of times, finished an associates degree while single-handedly raising babies, and then decided to go deep. I chose a Christian University because at that time I still saw my own identity as primarily Christian. Also, I had decided to study Psychology which was taboo and discouraged in the Christian community and so getting a Bible degree seemed to even that out. The more I learned about the Bible the shakier my faith became. My foundation had some solid bricks held together by crumbling modern ideas and interpretations that just didn’t match up. I asked professors hard questions and learned so much that contradicted what I had thought I knew. It wasn’t until grad school that I started to actively change my beliefs. I remember hitting this moment where I realized that I had openly accepted all the beliefs I had been handed and let other people shape my faith and my reality. I had to figure out “What do I believe?” That’s one hell of an existential crisis to have in your late 20s while your world unravels around you. By then, the marriage was really bad and the abuse was evident. People were starting to notice things but I was still fighting for my soul and living controlled by fear.
One day I got involved with a Bible study full of people like me; people with high education, deep insight into scripture, and a lot of honest questions on a search for truth. That group dissected the Biblical narrative of hell and we all came to see that the common belief isn’t Biblical at all and hell as Hollywood portrays it just simply isn’t real. I remember the moment this clicked for me and what was actually in front of me broke through the veil of deception I had been under my whole life. It would be many months before I felt confident in my study and understanding and even years for me to outwardly embrace this. That fear instilled in childhood runs deep.
Once the concept of hell settled for me and I formed my own belief, I realized I could do this for everything I thought I knew. I could study things out for myself and decide what to accept or reject and adopt as my own faith.
Rebuilding a New Foundation
My deconstruction started by taking tricky ideas and hard topics and fleshing them out until I had peace about the answers I reached. At a certain point, I decided I needed more balanced ideas. I realized that the multitude of topics I had avoided my entire life because they were deemed bad or unsafe by Christian “experts” were actually open and available to me to form my own opinions on. I started small, researching, reading, and studying things that had interested me but were off limits. I still had a largely Christian lens that made me overanalyze a lot. I was in a weird place where my faith looked nothing like it once did but I didn’t fully discard my backstory beliefs either. There were some things I completely rejected but some things I still fully embraced. I was in the space in between words or ideas where it’s hard to communicate exactly what is going on inside of you. So I kept some foundational bricks but started collecting stones that made sense. I was able to embrace some things I had never experienced before and I started to see the amazing parallels that run between all things. I remember feeling sad that I had missed so much of the world yet excited that I could now choose for myself. I rebuilt a foundation I could trust to hold me. I say rebuilt because it wasn’t new construction. I didn’t discard everything but I was able to improve upon what I had to work with.
Steady Growth
As is nature, slow, steady growth is the healthiest kind. I wanted a reality that has strong roots- given time and care to grow stable. Over the course of a decade, I curated what I believe in an evolution of thought that shifted me well outside of the pretty box of norms. Once upon a time, as a Christian, I believed that all things are black and white, and that I had to know the truth without a doubt. Now, I believe in openness and space for growth and change. I believe truth takes various forms and it’s not all the same but it is attainable. I believe that I can be wrong and it’s not a flaw or imperfection that will reduce my value or rob me of good things.
Somewhere along the journey, synthesis began, and for me it’s not an end I seek but a continual merging of all things. I started with a box I had to force myself to fit into. I pulled that box apart and discarded the damaged pieces while holding onto the good structure that remained. I collected new ideas and reassembled a very different structure that looks nothing like a box, but more like a wild garden that is well rooted and still growing. I realized that being open to developing as a person is so much more important than having the right answer. I also realized that sharing in the community of humanity, adding love to the world, taking care of yourself and others, being accountable for doing more good and less harm, and creating peace are essential elements of all faiths that underline what real truth should look like. I don’t make decisions anymore based on “will this make a God mad?” but rather, will this add value to my life, others, or the world? The world is full of bad stuff but it’s also full of beauty.
What is the difference between a victim and a survivor? One views the offence as destructive and insurmountable, while the latter views the offence as an experience requiring coping and healing. Some situations can be a catalyst for change and growth in one person and yet can be an excuse for faltering in another. As I search for answers and a tangible path forward in the realm of healing, I look for tools that can turn a victim into a survivor. Possibly the most powerful tool I have ever encountered is perspective.
There is a saying that I quote a lot, “Everything you need is already inside of you.” There are various individuals whom that statement is attributed to, with a variety of different wording choices. I consider it public domain because it is a simple and timeless understanding that I believe to be part of the greater unconscious wisdom humanity carries. I remember the first time I heard that statement. It was spoken directly to me, in response to a situation I was facing, as a sort of answer on how I would overcome the obstacles I was facing. I can recall several other occasions of which that statement was repeated as a sort of confirmation that I was on the right path. Once I understood the power of perspective, that idea that all I need is inside of me became illuminated in a new way. Perspective is mine, an internal representation of what is happening in my environment.
First, we have perception. If conscious understanding is a two-way street, perception is the information coming in, while perspective is the information going out. We perceive the world around us through experience. The angle from which we see, the pieces we hear, process, and understand, and all the analytical data our minds can grasp form a perception. Our physical senses collect the data but our internal environment filters how we read it. A loud bang in a public space can be a curious occurrence, something exciting, or something terrifying, depending on the filter it is perceived through.
Then, whatever we have perceived and processed becomes projected through our perspective. One person, who has trauma involving gunshot, might have the perspective that the bang is a threat, or at the least an inappropriate action, and feel a proper response it to leave or escape the environment. Another person, who has worked in a factory and is desensitized to loud sounds from a loading dock, might barely register the bang and act as if nothing happened. A young child with no negative experience and no life experience involving loud sounds might become curious and look for the source of the noise to learn more about it. There is a valuable bit of wisdom in this example; the experience does not have the same power as the perspective which is formed around it.
What if changing your perspective could change your whole life, for the better? Would you want that outcome? If I told you that changing your perspective is a growth process, it does not come easily, but you are absolutely capable of success, would you invest in the process? Your answer to that question reveals your perspective about your inherent value. Yes, you are worthy of loving yourself and having the peace and abundance you desire. Your value is not in question, but maybe your perspective needs a tune up. Let’s fix that together.
Photo by Anthony DeRosa
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Envision a beautiful flower; a deep, radiant shade of purple, with sturdy, full petals, a thick, hearty stem, and roots reaching deep into the soil, able to withstand any storm. See it as a plump bud being kissed by the springtime sun. As the rainy season ends, the sun comes close and wraps it’s light all around, nudging it to awaken. The petals take a deep breathe, opening wide, falling against one another, in a magnificent display of beauty, resilience, and purpose. A flower may blossom many times as it grows, starting to unfurl and showing glimpses of what it someday will be. Then, when fully developed and in its prime, that flower will bloom and fulfil it’s purpose of supporting life, creating new life, and bringing pleasure to the world around it.
The analogy of blooming with deep roots is one that resonates with me and my spiritual journey. In this season, I am blooming, fully rooted, resilient, and ready to fulfil my purpose. It was around 12 years ago that I began working as a spiritual coach and mentor. This preceded my start as a counselor and therapist, and ultimately, it’s what I came back to. Over the past 20 years, I have had mentors of my own from a variety of backgrounds and viewpoints. I have learned to value diversity of opinion and admire the way that many sources confirm the same truths. As a child, I was raised in a variety of religious settings rooted in Christianity. Even at a young age, I had evident spiritual gifts; knowledge, discernment of spirits, dreams/prophecy, and healing. As I have gone through my life journey, I have come to understand my gifts and embrace my potential. In fact, I love helping others to find their passions and live out their purpose as well.
I’ve learned that there are many names for the same things, depending on the culture that is defining it. You might accept that I’ve had prophetic dreams and spiritual knowledge, or you might understand it as clairvoyance, extrasensory perception, or say that I am an Empath. Any of those descriptions are accurate to what I experience. Regardless of the semantics, I have been using my spiritual gifts to help others for many years. I’ve helped people navigate their shadows and overcome trauma. I’ve facilitated physical and emotional healing. I’ve given guidance through deep processing, providing insight, and building up confidence through encouragement because of what I perceive. I’ve found a variety of tools to be helpful and as a lifelong student, I believe in sharing from an abundance of resources that provide support beyond my connection with someone.
I meet with people in dark places, in uncertainty, and with needs that require a kind of intimate knowing to grow through. We thrive in connection. We heal through connection. Even as I myself am healing parts of me, I have so much to offer others who are going through the places I’ve been. After all, I must heal myself if I am ever to help heal another. That is a life experience I have plenty of. Be Blessed.
It was Mother’s Day, and I decided what I needed was a little spiritual healing. I chose to visit one of my favorite shops for something to light up my soul. There I met a woman with a message for me. From the very first exchange, she spoke words that were familiar to me; things I’ve been hearing a lot lately. She confirmed deep feelings I’ve been carrying. Some of it shined a bright spotlight on what I’ve been struggling with, revealing a need to let go, forgive, and move forward into blessings. Some of it spoke to my life purpose, which I am intimately aware of, and my deep need to embrace my confidence and do what I am meant to do. The thing is, I have been holding onto some old ideas, some expired dreams, and some parts of my past that simply aren’t meant to move with me into the next chapter of this life.
She saw my blocked voice and my hesitation to speak. Ironically, she is not the first person to point this out to me. It’s a message I’ve been dancing with for some time. She connected it to my purpose as a spiritual teacher. No less ironic, she is not the first person to boldly proclaim this calling in my life without knowing a thing about me other than my present energy. I’ve had a handful of guides over the years tell me directly that I am a spiritual teacher and healer. I know this with a certainty in my bones that it’s as much of who I am as the color of my eyes. Even my eyes reveal my destiny.
The most profound part of her message was how she honed in on my gift of writing, the fact that I’ve been stuck and not writing, and the intense need I have to write and share my story as part of my purpose and path as a healer. I’ve danced with this gift for years, writing for fun and education. I’ve worked on books that have never made it much farther than my fingertips. I experience great confidence and also great insecurity about the vulnerability of publishing my own mind. Yet, on a sunny May afternoon, I was brought to a woman with a message for me, which was that I am a woman with a message that needs to be shared. So here I am, taking the first step in a new direction, and telling the story of my own life.
Like a baptism of the soul, as the dawn broke, she rose up from the brokenness with a new spirit in power. Her soul was cleansed in the fire, her body was cleansed in the blood, the reality of the power of her intention appeared in fullness, echoing assurance through her entire being. She is whole. She lacks nothing. She knows that love is alive in her.
In the darkness of a new moon, she set an intention to move through the transition, breaking her grip on the past and opening her arms wide towards the potential. In that shadow of the moon, she called out to the breathtaking, beautiful, divine feminine. As they came face to face, eye to eye, she saw her own reflection looking back at her, smiling in a wordless language that said, “You are enough. You possess all that you will ever need. Everything You desire is called to you by your thoughts, your intention, and your spoken declaration in love. Peace is at home in You. I am Yours, and You are Mine. Never forget who you are, who you came from, and where you are going.”
With confidence and poise, she lit each candle. She watched as they burned away what no longer served her. The transforming power of the flame dissipated something seen into something unseen, breaking loose every force in the universe to conspire for her good. She laid her head to rest with a peace unspeakable. She woke to the morning light with confirmation that her heart is pure, and her future is secure.
Time is a fascinating concept. Anything can happen in slow motion or in the blink of an eye, the only difference being one’s perception in the moment. In this moment, it feels like some things are changing rapidly while others are moving painfully slow. A major contributing factor to my own perception is the work that’s already been done. Nothing spontaneously combusts. All of the proper elements must be in place to ignite, explode, and burn. It may appear as sudden, or unexpected, but truthfully it must be in progress before it can happen.
As the days pass by, I find myself swimming through deep oceans of thought, emotion, and experience. Every day looks different, even from one hour to the next. I’m no longer drowning. I’m remembering how to swim. Being on an island for so long, hanging on through massive storms, gave me a resilience I am now resting in. When my life first capsized, it was crushing being pulled under over and over again. Each break of the surface and every breath I would take, reminded me that I am alive, and I’ve survived many times.
So, I stood up. I decided that I can stand on my own, and I will. Only resistance is difficult. The moment you decide you can, and you will, then anything becomes a matter of simply doing the next logical thing and moving through each moment. Confidence is gained by stepping up to the plate and swinging until you hit. Once you’ve made a hit you just repeat that until the natural motions become the rhythm that your body knows, and the rest will flow. When you miss, you swing again. When you fall, you get back up. Sometimes what feels like a delay, or a mistake, is just what was needed for things to line up and give you a better chance. Change can bring freedom. It might not be easy but go live while you’re still alive.
It happened sooner than I expected. If I’m honest, everyone expected it. Maybe it wasn’t sooner, but actually, long overdue. It’s somehow like having a houseplant in the window that you’ve watched slowly die over many years. At first, it was beautiful, alive, and brought you joy when you looked at it. Over time, it began to fade for a variety of reasons. Regular care became occasional splashes of water that might give it a little perking up but never actually nourished it. As it faded, you drew the blinds to hide the painful truth. The lack of sunlight and fresh air from the outside only allowed it to wilt more. At some point, you realized it was dead and unsalvageable. So, you kept the blinds closed, you quit attempting to water it at all, and you just accepted that it was lost. Yet, you left it there because you couldn’t bring yourself to throw it away. If you looked at it, you would remember fondly how beautiful it once was and how it made you feel when it bloomed. Sure, it only bloomed a handful of times but while it was still green you embraced the hope that it could bloom again. The more it faded the more foolish that hope felt and at some point, you traded hope for reminiscing. You stopped looking to the future and just wouldn’t let go of the past. Until the moment came, someone threw open the window, knocking the plant out of your reach and it shattered on the floor. The dry, exhausted plant laid shriveled up on the floor, roots exposed, surrounded by dirt too deep to just brush away, and shattered pieces of the beautiful pottery that once contained its essence now looking like total devastation.
I take in a deep breathe that feels like it’s crushing my soul in such a tight space in my chest. In this moment, I realize I am the plant. My world is shattered around me. The dirt is everywhere, too deep to even see through at this point. My roots lie in the open, forcing me to see every wound that contributed to the rot of my foundation. What was once alive, cared for, wanted, and beautiful, is a shadow of the past and resembles an identity that doesn’t look anything like the truth of the seed it grew from. I remember the seed. I look up at the ceiling and know I have to clean up this mess. Just for today, I will not worry about tomorrow, or think about yesterday, because I’ve been there for so long that I missed this moment for far too long. So long in fact, that the end of forever came suddenly, so it seems.
You’ve likely heard of PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. After someone has gone through a traumatic event, they may develop symptoms that interfere with daily life and include physical, mental, and emotional disturbances. At the extreme, this can be crippling and requires professional support to recover. In many cases, symptoms are less severe and may even be hidden, giving the appearance of normal functioning. Many professionals believe that PTSD can be resolved by treatment and plenty of living proof is walking around in the world. Some believe that the effects are life-long and at the very least, change how a person experiences life. To any person who is struggling with PTSD, especially those who try to hide it, do not be afraid to reach out and seek support. There are amazing therapies that can improve your life.
What happens after therapy? Maybe you’ve improved enough to function well but still feel different than you used to be. Maybe you have been through something traumatic but don’t have the symptoms of PTSD, yet you still feel not yourself. Maybe you notice that traumatic thoughts resurface sometimes, or that triggers exist in unexpected ways. Regardless of any diagnosis, or treatment you’ve had, maybe you just know that an event changed you and that’s hard to accept.
When there’s no stress disorder (PTSD) but you’re stuck in the limbo post trauma (PTSD) or you’ve healed a lot but still the post trauma changes linger, it can be a confusing place. Social messages tell you that you’re either all broken or should be all healed and back to your old self. That’s simply not the case. Everything we go through in life forms us, changes us, and impacts who we become. This is true of positive and negative occurrences, big and small. Even when we go through a negative or distressing event, we can utilize the effects of that experience for positive growth. We become more aware, more insightful, more compassionate, we see the world differently, and even the hard parts can be used for good.
Trauma is too common. It’s part of the human experience. Everyone gets dealt a different hand and we never know what tomorrow holds. Count your blessings every day because bad can’t erase good. And if you find yourself in the post trauma fog looking for answers, come with me on a journey of healing and find hope.
The next question that came was, “Do you enjoy helping others?” My first thought was a curiosity of other perspectives. Do people think my work is all about helping others? Do people think my goal is to help people? What an interesting idea.
I don’t try to help others. It’s not my goal, or my intention, or my reason for doing what I do. Admittedly, my process often does help in terms of providing insight or resources. I believe if I approached my work with the goal of helping others, I would fail often. That’s a lot of pressure with little direction.
I believe there is a process of becoming, an unfolding of authentic identity that must occur for purpose and passion to meet. I did not embark on my journey to help others. I did it to help me. I did not sign up for college classes or earn degrees with the thought of how someone else could be more successful. I did it to acquire new knowledge that was aligned with my deepest values and to navigate my own beliefs, fears, and possibilities. I never embraced a role, a job, or a duty to be nice or helpful. I did it because I knew without a doubt I was where I belong, and it would create momentum for the next leap.
Who I am and what I do are aligned, intertwined, and inseparable. Along the way to get where I am now, there were many levels, many upgrades, plenty of challenges, and so much to learn! Here’s the thing; I’m not done growing and I’m going to keep going! I love where I am but I know there is more for me. I don’t always know what my presence will mean to someone else, but I know that if I show up where I am meant to be as myself, it will be powerful, meaningful, and moving. I wish for everyone to reach this understanding and move into authentic being. Imagine what the world could be like!
Mellow Moment Holistic Wellness 