Posted on in Addiction

The Familiar Taste of Poison

It’s a song by one of my favorite bands: Halestorm. It is also an ideal sentiment which introduces a topic I have been walking with for many years. A line in the song states, “The sweet escape is always laced with the familiar taste of poison.” This line captures two dimensions of addiction which I feel are defining to a battle that often consumes life.

Addiction is a symptom; a display of repeat behaviors connected to an underlying issue. Although the particular behaviors and choices can vary greatly from one individual to the next, the source of this drive is universal which is disconnect. Addiction is born in an abrupt loss of control and the symptomatic behaviors serve to sooth a perceived need for familiarity and comfort.

The Sweet Escape…

Anything I can become addicted to must provide an escape from discomfort. It is a thing; a substance, an emotion, a reaction, a connection, of some sort which provides pleasure and comfort that is stronger than a hurt I am experiencing. This is what we call the “high,” that something which elevates me above my pain. So in order to be eligible to become addicted, I must first experience emotional and physical pain.

I believe the key here is the “and” and not an option between the two. Sometimes physical pain such as injury is connected to an emotional loss or insecurity. Other times an emotional pain becomes so overwhelming that it creates physical effects. When pain connects the physical and emotional experience it trounces the entire being. If pain is merely physical there is an option of mind over matter so that it can be managed. When emotional experiences are merely feelings they can be compartmentalized into cognitive existence. It is when pain connects these two realms that it has the potential to become an unmanageable reality.

The Familiar Taste…

People naturally want to escape pain. It is common to any creature, including humans, to flee from pain or discomfort. It is a common, everyday occurrence that people utilize escapes both physically and emotionally. We seek out conversations with friends or family and sometimes professional support to escape the burden of emotions which are difficult to bear alone. We use medications to escape physical pain.

Humans are creatures of habit and succumb to what is familiar. I often say, you can’t change what you don’t know to exist. Any habit, action, or thought pattern which I am unaware of I am powerless to. So maybe power over addiction bears the necessity of understanding where the roots are. The “drug” isn’t the problem. The pain the drug is soothing is what must be healed. That takes work but so does avoidance. Avoiding conflict does not remove the conflict. It simply moves it inside where you work hard to bury it. Either way, you are expending the energy of fighting. 

I believe defeating addiction comes through giving pain purpose. I’ve come to understand through my own trauma and healing that my pain is a part of my experience and my experience has shaped who I am. Although I do not take ownership of the actions which caused my trauma, I can accept that my pain was my unique response to those circumstances. It tells of who I was before by how I responded and lead me to who I am now by how I recovered. If existence is passive then living is active. By choosing to live I accepted responsibility for my healing process, my response to opportunity for growth, and my need for healthy change. You don’t have to exist defeated by circumstance; you can choose to live.

Posted on in Identity, personal development

Fixing a Broken Clock

Late: an adjective once used to describe me. It became a family inside joke that I had to be told the time for dinner was an hour before anyone else would show up so I would arrive on time. I was chronically late every day and always rushing! I was exhausted. It seemed the harder I tried to make deadlines the more I struggled to keep up. Sometimes I wondered if I was cursed. This affected every part of my life; family gatherings, church, classes and assignments, work, even rest. I couldn’t simply get to bed on time.

Here is the good news; I wasn’t cursed and neither are you. I was dysfunctional because I lacked understanding of time. What I didn’t understand back then is that time is subjective. When I hit the wall and decided I had to make a change; I discovered I had to change my thoughts about time.

Time management is effective based on two subjective tenets; 1) Perception of Time, 2) Value of Time.

Perception of Time

How long does it take you to tie your shoes? You have a pretty solid understanding of the time required to accomplish the task. Yet, how long will it take a 3 year old to tie his shoes? Any given task may require a different amount of time for different people based on a variety of circumstances. Our personal perception is built on experience. What I find most often in those I counsel on time management is many people were never given the opportunity to build their own perceptions of time because time was controlled for them. This was true for me.

As a child, I was told what to do and when to do it. Any task I was assigned came with a prompting to “do it now” and so I was raised on the principle of obedience in lieu of a principle of autonomy. I believe this made me a good child but didn’t prepare me to be a functioning adult. When I found myself suddenly responsible for my own life I was subconsciously awaiting prompting to do things. Even though I had gained independence and self responsibility to a degree as a teenager and young adult, the training of my childhood was a set internal pattern. It became a conflict that I did not know how to solve. With support, I learned how to understand my own perceptions of time and adequately measure tasks to my level of functioning.

Value of Time

Another element of having your time managed for you is that time retains no personal value. It would be like having someone who manages your money and spends it for you, making all of your financial decisions. When you ask “can I buy this?” and get a yes or no answer, the value of that item is irrelevant. In order to gain respect for the value of money, one must both earn and manage that money to understand its value. Time is no different than money in this manner. In order to gain respect for the value of time it must be personally managed.

In my journey of changing my thoughts about time, I had to begin to see time in quantity. Every task and expenditure of energy has a cost of my time. I could either learn the value of that time and plan ahead to invest properly or else continue accumulating periodic debt as I spent more time than I had. When I was able to understand these principles of time, my life became much more manageable. Now I use and teach tools of effective time management to help others who want to gain control and be present rather than always being late.

Posted on in personal development, Success

So much “stuff”

Do you have clutter in your home? So often we casually allow clutter to become a normal thing. I find it very interesting how Merriam-Webster defines clutter:

 

clutter

noun

1a: a crowded or confused mass or collection
“a clutter of motels and restaurants”
b: things that clutter a place
“tried to minimize the unnecessary clutter in her house”
2: interfering radar echoes caused by reflection from objects (as on the ground) other than the target
3: chiefly dialectal : DISTURBANCE, HUBBUB

The keywords which stand out to me are; confused, unnecessary, and disturbance. These accurately describe how I feel when I am around clutter. Over the past few years I have been on a journey toward minimalism. For awhile the lifestyle called “minimalism” was a hot topic which inspired books, television shows, and a lot of new year resolutions! There is no exact science to what living minimalist looks like because it is different for everyone. For me, it’s about doing more with less. Many of the people I work with struggle with organizing and ridding clutter. I like to share what works for me and I have found it to help many others.

The needs which are common to all people can be satisfied when a person has both a place and a purpose. Our basic physical, emotional, and social needs are satisfied when we have a place to belong. Our higher intellectual/emotional needs are satisfied by having a purpose to accomplish. I truly believe that we must find our place and purpose to be healthy and grow.

If I can personify my “stuff” in this way, it becomes apparent how to rid clutter and organize my home and life. I consider this to be why our stuff is called belongings. That which belongs in my life must have a place and a purpose which compliments my own place and purpose. With this value system in place, I can assess any item and find where it belongs. “Does this item have a functional place in my home?” “Does this item have a functional purpose in my life?” If I cannot validate either of those questions, the item needs to go somewhere it will have a place and purpose. 

My value based assessment is very simple and easy to apply. It has helped me to re-home & re-purpose a significant amount of stuff as I have downsized more than 50% in under two years. It has helped many others along the journey of organizing life and I hope it will help you.
Posted on in Identity, Personal Thoughts

How does race define me?

 

 

Stereotypes exist because people fill the role. I don’t think this is a bad thing in itself. Some stereotypes are very negative and hurtful however. Everyone has the power to be subject to their stereotypes or change the behavior that makes them. Throughout my life I have fit stereotypes in the roles of a mother, a wife, a student, a counselor, etc., and yes… as a white woman.

I spent my early years with a secret anger. People who celebrated their heritage or had cultural customs put me off. I was raised in a non-biological family (for the most part) in which both of my parents were adopted and I lacked knowledge about my roots. Eventually in my teen years we would meet some biological family and learn little bits and pieces but there were a lot of closed doors containing skeletons. Let’s be honest, adoption is never the choice when everything is peachy.

At a certain point in my adult life not knowing got the best of my curiosity. So I began to research. Eventually I completed a DNA test. The results were hugely disappointing. I learned that DNA can’t actually tell you where you are from but it will generate a ton of possibilities. I decided that I wouldn’t stop there. I had questions and wanted answers. So I studied genomic raw data analysis and started to analyse my own raw DNA. I spent many months doing genealogy research side by side with my own DNA analysis and eventually I had some breakthroughs. After a couple years of this process, I was able to identify all four of my biological grandparents and subsequently the generations before them. I traced my roots right back to the countries of origin. I actually wrote a post on this journey in March 2018.

What is important for this piece is that I found some amazing, rich history in my bloodlines. I also found truths behind the secrets. My parents were both adopted out because of twisted, dark family secrets. My grandparents had pasts that were reprehensible. Yet, my own existence proves a new story can be written.

The choices of my ancestors are not mine. I hold no responsibility or guilt for their decisions. These are people that in other circumstances I would have called Grandma or Grandpa. Yet, I do not even bear those family names. I may share some of their physical features but my values and character came from a different family source. I was blessed to be born and raised in very different circumstances and I am thankful for that.

If in one generation an entire family history can be reset and written from scratch; why do people insist on holding the faults and failures of others over an entire cultural group? This I will never understand because my personal journey is not compatible with such thinking. Every race and background has individuals and groups of people who are remembered for bad decisions. In some cases, race has been used to proposition people as superior or inferior. It happens today among groups small and large. I can’t deny this, though I don’t agree with it. I believe culture and heritage should be shared passions and interests. This is the part of my heritage that defines me.

How do we, as a society, move towards respecting individuals and cultural differences in a way that removes the “us versus them” negativity while honoring and preserving differences that make culture unique and beautiful?

Posted on in Emotions

Emotional Flowers

The most guarded, impenetrable prison humanity is captive to are the words of emotional abuse from self and others. A Proverb in the Old Testament says “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” It is a statement which portrays a sobering depth of reality once it is understood to be true.

I describe to my clients how motivation is a matter of mental vegetation. My clients know that I love word pictures and using visual imagery for instilling philosophies into the mind. There are three elements to change which are consistent and universal despite what the aim of the change may be; thoughts, language, and behavior. There is no behavior or action which comes forth in reality that was not born a thought. The thought is a seed. If it is planted and nourished it will grow. As that thought takes root it creates the dialog of which I speak to myself and others. “Thinking” is the mental language of self talk. How I think about myself influences how I view and treat others. This is where behavior blossoms.

What is so often overlooked is how self abuse shapes behaviors of self destruction. If I think (seed) that I am unworthy, incapable, or lacking then my language becomes self-depreciating. My thought flow becomes negativity and arbitrary limits on my potential. Eventually that comes through in my behaviors which are unhealthy and regressive. Where did that bad seed come from? The significance of this understanding is that everything I speak plants seeds in others and if I am not planting positive, encouraging ideas I am leaving space for those personal doubts and fears to grow. Planting strong, positive affirmations in someone’s character can choke out the weeds of insecurity before they grow and overtake one’s entire perception.

Positive change requires planting positive seeds and nurturing them in the language that is expressed in thinking and speaking. If you want to believe what you have planted you must grow it. Healthy change is intentional, not a passive occurrence which happens upon someone. Use the language of positive, confirming thoughts and words in your daily life.

Are you growing beautiful flowers or allowing thorny vines to overtake your emotional garden?

Posted on in Emotions, Identity

The Purpose of Relationship

Are your relationships based on roles or are they an investment of your life?

A common thought is that relationships require us to be something. Certain images come up about what a mother looks like, what a teacher looks like, what a nurse looks like, and so on. Often when we choose a role our relationships begin and end within the context of what those beliefs are about the role’s purpose. We hear stories from the media about exceptional people who act in bravery or kindness which took them far beyond the role they play. This is the way we fall in line. We are told what to expect and then we act within those expectations.

I wasn’t made to fall in line; neither were you. What do we miss when we accept acting out a role in life? We miss relationships. Relationship requires an investment of who I am. It reaches the reason for my roles.  For a nurse, her role may be as simple as running your IV and keeping a record of your vitals. Her reason may be a deep love for humanity and this is how she contributes to caring for the hurt and scared. For a teacher, his role may be to follow a curriculum and keep track of your progress. His reason may be that he believes in your potential. Can you see how different outcomes might be if we allow our reasons to become passions instead of just filling roles?

I want to speak to mothers and fathers. Parenting might be the most common role we share. With rare exceptions, every human being is equipped biologically to parent a child and the great majority do so. Why we do this varies more than any other role. Some parents fall into this role by lack of planning. Some are influenced by family, their own childhood, the pressures of society, a need to nurture, a desire to give and receive love, and the potential reasons here are infinite. How we do this role of parenting varies even more. It seems to be that everyone has their own priorities in parenting and many feel strongly to share their own priorities to other parents.

Are we falling into a role as parents? Someone reading this can relate to feeling disconnected from their own parent. Maybe you had a “good childhood” by most standards; your needs were met. Mom cooked your supper, drove you to practice, loved you when you were ill. Dad taught you to drive, or to play a sport, he directed your discipline and paid your allowance. They filled the roles they felt they were subject to. Of course, many childhood stories deviate in other directions and this is just one example. These parents will say that these activities are an investment of their time and energy; yes they are! There is nothing wrong with filling roles and it is good and necessary. Can we do more?

I often see parents, in particular moms, who vent about giving up some part of themselves. The story sounds like this; “I feel like I have lost myself since becoming a mother.” “I don’t have time for my own needs and my entire identity is being a mom.” “Someday when the kids are grown, maybe I will have time for myself.” These parents are actively living out roles instead of investing in relationships. I also work with adults who echo a similar sentiment; “I feel like I don’t really know who my mom/dad is as a person.” This breaks my heart. These are individuals who come to me looking for help with dysfunctional relationships and have a struggle with their own identities. They were taught how to fill roles but were never taught how to live with reason.

Biologically, emotionally, and spiritually the parent / child relationship is primary. It is the first place where identity is gained. It shapes who we are for better or worse. It promotes our success when nurturing. It cripples our ideas and abilities when damaging. Parents: you are armed with great knowledge now. Giving of yourself, investing in sharing who you are with your children will build them up to know who they are.

 

 

Follow for more to come on parenting and relationships…

Posted on in Identity, Personal Thoughts

Discovering My Story

As a child I loved stories. I loved to read stories as much as I loved to write my own. My first published story was titled “The Purple Plum Tree” and I was in the third grade when I wrote it.

My own story became one of heartbreak and loss when I was just an adolescent girl. I had so much hurt which I did not author and could not erase from my life. So I resented my own story and severed that passion to protect my heart. Decades later I would learn that there is great healing in following passion because in that passion lies purpose. 

I stopped writing stories. Then I stopped reading them, too. I became resentful when I would hear someone else’s story. Maybe it was envy that stirred that bitterness because my own story was silenced. Maybe I was trying to lose the identity that I associated with pain. In doing so, I lost myself. Something interesting happens when you become lost; you wander but you don’t disappear. 

True passion never dies. It waits. It fights to break free at the slightest light breaking through into the darkness where it is hidden. There was a season in my life of personal revelation and growth. I was forced to read a book called To Be Told by Dan. B. Allender, Ph.D. for a class I was attending. *Spoiler Alert* It is a book about stories! In that moment, in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains in Virginia, I encountered people who changed my life by allowing me to tell parts of my story that had never been authored before. My soul was shaken in that season and the hard ground of my heart was watered and my passion broke forth. I was left with a longing to live my story.

The journey of self discovery I have been on since then has lead me to a realization. I actually have three stories. They are; What I Am, Why I Am, and Who I Am. 

What I Am, has been a mystery to me for most of my life. This is my DNA; the physical components which have constructed my form and made me human. I come from a unique family in which both of my parents were adopted. In the last couple years I have begun to explore that part of my history. An analogy; You may see a standing, tall oak tree. That tree would not be there if not for an acorn and that acorn had fallen from another oak tree. If a sycamore seed had fallen you would find a different tree. You call the tree by the name of it’s characteristics which share a common lineage. There is a story behind what I am, my characteristics. I am short, with blue gypsy eyes, and a glowing red in my auburn hair that must come from somewhere.

Why I Am, is the story I know best. This is the beliefs, values, and examples that have been given to me from my parents, family, and others. It’s the long version answer to “Why I do the things I do.” It’s the version of my story which I rejected for so long. If our acorn falls in a forest, the oak will root deep and grow tall. It will hold nests and burrows and have a purpose in being home. If that acorn falls in a sidewalk it will grow much differently. It’s purpose may be shade for a home instead. Why I am the way I am is because of an environment and the nurturing of  people in my life. Sometimes the what and the why stem from the same introduction but in my particular story one has not much to do with the other. As I’ve walked through my life, I’ve come to realize that this story includes sorrow and pain, as well as joy and success, but it is all part of my story.

Who I Am, is the reason for all the rest. It is the essence and purpose of my existence. Who I am came forth through generations of “what” and was placed into the circumstances of “why” in order to develop the revelation of Who I am in this moment of my life. In the oak analogy, the Who is much more than an oak or any characteristic of the environment or the acorn itself. It is the germ of the seed which has carried on through every generation back to the original. You see, Who I am was predestined from long before the first oak tree.

“According as he hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love: having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will, to the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved.” Ephesians 1:4-6 KJV

Every part of my story was written to point to who I am. And who I am points to who Jesus is. Despite all the hurt, rejection and failure of my own life and the generations before me; my life is full of love and redemption. God is love. 1 John 4:8. Christ is the Redeemer. Galatians 3:13.

I am living my story.