Posted on in personal development

Conflict; Don’t avoid it.

Do you avoid conflict? Maybe you keep your thoughts to yourself when you feel you should speak. Maybe you distance yourself from someone because you disagree with their choice. Or maybe you don’t pursue that passion ticking inside of you because the risk of losing your comfort is too high. If you are avoiding conflict because it’s easier or feels more safe; are you enjoying your life in a box?

I’m going to give you the key to peace. Conflict exists whether you deal with it or not. It is the way of the universe. Conflict is not the opposite of peace. Avoiding it will not give you peace. If you’ve tried that you already know it’s true. Peace comes by using conflict properly to align with your values.

Conflict is a type of contrast. It illuminates something – like a dashboard light. We should pay attention to it. We should take action when necessary and when no harm would occur. It is often easier to objectively view a situation that you are not in the middle of. So many people say to me “I always give others advice but rarely take my own advice!” So if you have a conflict to face, don’t go at it alone. “Where there is no guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory.” Proverbs 11:14

If you do not deal with conflict while it is external, it will become internal. When we isolate, evade a person or situation, don’t speak truth, or shut in our passions and pain- the conflict lives on inside. The damage is hidden and personal. You don’t have to stay in that state of mind a moment longer.

Posted on in Emotions, personal development

The Voice In Your Head

Only crazy people hear voices, right? That might be a trick question. Everyone has a voice. I’m not talking about the one you hear when you open your mouth. It’s the inner dialog that tells you what to do; your own thoughts.

Most people become aware of their voices in the experience of the adolescent years. We call that “self conscious” and it’s not an easy process getting to know your own voice. Sometimes the voice is critical, unkind, or abusive. Sometimes the voice is not your own.

My voice reveals my belief. What I believe and think is what I will say and do. Often we adopt voices that are not our own. A child is a blank page whose thoughts and actions are mostly guided by the voices of others until he is able to consistently repeat his own pattern of thoughts and behaviors.

Consider this; what a child experiences through the words and actions of others will become her voice. Imagine a little girl who wakes up every day to a vile, angry mother. “Get up! Stop being lazy!” is the mantra she lives each morning. When she completes tasks it is often ignored or overlooked. If she struggles or fails at a task it is met with criticism. In a short time, this girl will develop core beliefs that she is lazy and no matter how hard she works it will not be good enough. She develops a fear of failure because she is punished for falling short rather than guided to a better outcome.

Now imagine a little boy who wakes up every day to a pleasant, loving mother. “Good morning sunshine! How are you today?” He feels heard when he gives a response. He meets the days expectations with curiosity, knowing that if he has a question he has permission to ask and learn. In this environment of support and love he will naturally explore his interests and potential. The voice he develops will echo the encouragements he has received.

Often I work with people who are unsuccessful, unhappy, and stuck because they are dominated by a voice that is not their own. I help them to realize their power and change the voice they listen to. Do you have an inner child who needs some guidance and love?

Posted on in Identity, Spirituality

Identity

“Remember who you are.” -Mufasa

Yes, I’m quoting a cartoon. Truthfully, how profound a statement for a father to give to his son! All of Simba’s authority was settled in who his father was. His enemy planted a lie that took root and grew insecurities. So long as he was distracted by fear, he roamed about powerless and outside of his home. He only had to remember his true identity to step into his authority and change the world.

What a parallel to the spiritual atmosphere today! There is a prodigal son storyline there. People, sons and daughters, are living powerless, defeated, and far from home because they have no understanding of their identity.

We have a Father who reminds us… Remember who you are. “As many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name.” John 1:12

Posted on in personal development

The Long Pause

“Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.” -Proverbs 27:1

You’ve likely heard the word ‘procrastinate’ and you may have even done it a time or two. Generally, I have a choice to either act and do what I have chosen to do or I can chose not to participate. Procrastination is a form of inaction or indecision where action is required. Sometimes there is a good reason to delay action; such as waiting for preferred conditions. A married couple, for example, may delay starting a family in order to allow career progression. A Captain might delay sailing to avoid an imminent storm. In short, some delays are productive in the long run. Procrastination carries the connotation of delay for negative reasons; likely avoidance or uncertainty.

When there is not a reasonable expectation of a positive gain when delaying an action, there may be a heart issue. A pause or hesitation comes with doubt, misperception, or fear. If that heart issue is not checked and brought to light, a pattern can emerge. A pause repeated becomes a long pause and a lifestyle of inaction.

Have you found yourself stuck in the long pause? It’s time to get moving. Take an inventory of the things you want to do and identify the obstacles you have let slow you down. Find a sound-board in someone who can help you create an action plan if needed.

Posted on in Identity

Just As We Are

Have you ever seen black and white photos from olden days? The era of the white picket fence; men dressed in alike suit, women with cookie cutter fashion and hairstyle, houses and neighborhoods worthy of HOA magazines! I bet you can find photos of people filing into factories in straight lines, punching the clock one at a time. Society had a uniformity. There was etiquette to instruct individuals how to fit in.

There is a phrase with power and command; fit in. It is such a powerful ideology that anyone who would dare defy it would be labeled an outcast. This manufactured reality defined what a family looked like, the roles that men and women played in the family and society at large, and gave shape to a new world in the 19th century. New idols of wealth and power became gods which many sacrificed their lives to serve.

There are many accounts throughout human history of which people being boxed into predefined ideals lead to dismembering of those social constructs. Defining changes to society have risen up from the destruction of those mental walls. Here in the United States, our country exists due to people escaping control for independence. The 20th century was also marked by many significant social changes that granted freedoms and liberties in new ways.

Social change bares consequence; morally, ethically, and tangibly. Good and bad are never far apart. Just like light and dark are not evident without each other. The liberties we are blessed to behold have transformed society in ways both big and small. Some change happens gradually by accumulation and some shifts are imposed with great force. A basic principle of liberty is: live and let live. It flows in the same current as: do no harm. Maybe it is the changes of loosening of confines that have done the most good for individuality and personal progress. I believe what we are seeing in this moment of history is a reversal of the loosening of liberty. Rather, it is a gathering for the purpose of power; collectivism only moves social ideals forward by removing individual freedom.

Respect is greater than tolerance. Opportunity offers more than equality. Humanity’s strength is in the contribution of our differences and the unity of our mutual good by individual means.

Posted on in Spirituality

Chasing Chickens

It was late in the afternoon and the hot sun was low. While transitioning the poultry from the barn out to their open run, one rogue chicken slipped away from the group. I followed the chicken closely as it ran around the corner. Every time I would lean in to pick her up she would skip, flap, and hustle away quickly. She didn’t want to be caught. A brisk pace quickly made one pass around the run become two, then three. I chose to fall back and watch her from a distance until she would calm down and come back to me. She wanted in the pen with the others; they instinctively stay together for safety. However, she was distracted by green things and bugs to peck at. I allowed her to frolic around the yard for a little while and when she was ready I opened the gate for her and she went home.

I believe God meets us where we are. He is not outside of our experience. He is not unwilling to speak through the ordinary. “For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse:” Romans 1:20.

As I observed the loose chicken I understood that she was simply doing what a chicken does. I thought about humanity. How often do we cluck along, doing what we do, while the Good Shepherd follows and watches for our safe keeping? Though we are giving our attention to ordinary things, He is close by keeping the gate for us.

I followed the stray bird and gave her my full attention because the rest of the flock was safe within the walls that were built for their security. This spoke to me of the parable from Luke 15:3-7 of the one lost sheep. My favorite gospel song from my childhood says “You may be deep in the valley of sin, wandering lost and alone. Well the Good Shepherd is looking for you and he wants to bring you back into the fold. ‘Cuz one lost sheep is worth the world to him. He’ll leave the flock behind just to lead one home again.” -Mid South Boys.

Today I am thankful that when I was the lost sheep there was a Good Shepherd searching for me, ready to bring me home again. My wandering did not change my identity or my place. You can always come home.

Posted on in Identity, Personal Thoughts, Spirituality

Going Through the Desert

When I learned I would be relocating to the Desert as my new home, I did not want to go. This wasn’t my plan. In fact, I didn’t really have a specific plan. I was very open to going wherever a new adventure could be found. There were only two places I did not want to go; an island or a desert.

I decided to say “Yes, I will go” in my heart rather than approach this change with resentment. I was determined to make the best of the situation. That included doing a lot of research, talking to people who had been there, and trying to prepare myself for something I had never experienced and couldn’t comprehend. Everything about the desert and the big city I was headed to was foreign to me. I had no idea the scale to which these new things would be; bigger than my imagination.

Arriving was overwhelming. Anything familiar was absent. The environment was dirty and depressing. The people were strange and sometimes cruel. Within the first year my heart had moved into a spiritual desert as well. Despite trying to connect I found myself feeling very isolated. Then the shaky ground in my home and marriage began to crumble. I didn’t even recognize my life as my own anymore. So I turned my focus onto myself looking for some relief.

A year in the desert revealed my weakness and I began to think from a perspective of survival. I lost my sight for anything but what was in front of me. For another year I lived in a world of emotional escape. I checked out of life emotionally and just moved through one day at a time, appeasing the “desires of the flesh” because attention, approval, and the substances that numbed my senses and my pain were tangible comforts. I got lost in myself.

For a time, I thought I was coping with my devastation quite well. I was lonely but never alone. I was happy when I could quiet the discomfort. My life had the appearance of tidy tension; it was a difficult moment but I was holding it together. Inside I was spiraling into feeling hopeless and lost. The more difficulty that appeared at home, in my marriage, in my husband’s health, in the needs of my children, the further I hid away emotionally. Distance became my buffer because I couldn’t handle the weight of everything alone.

The reality which I can see clearly now is that I chose isolation even though it hurt me. In a moment of weakness, I believed my senses over truth. I saw darkness. I heard silence. I felt overwhelmed and confused. I unconsciously chose to believe my perception over God’s truth. “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9.

I had a strong faith from childhood. Throughout the years I have encountered things that shook my faith. I have watched people fail and been hurt deeply a few times along the way. I’ve experienced moments of doubt, self-reliance, and rebellion. Always, God is faithful. When people fail, Jesus has already won. When people cause wounds, Jesus heals. I know this because I’ve lived it. I have failed more than I want to admit but my failure has never changed God’s heart for me.

I really understood this after I came out of my season in the desert. I missed out on so much by agreeing with my fears instead of agreeing with my Savior. You see, my struggle did not change my position. Reaching the lowest low of my life did not dictate my identity as a child of God. “For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:26. I’m still learning to trust God with all of my heart and lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). Surely, I know that my understanding is colored by emotions, circumstances, and my own perception.

I left the desert and returned to my old home. I never thought I would relate to the prodigal son. Yet, through the embrace of people who love Jesus I experienced once again the tangible love of Jesus. I recognized how far I had wandered and when I decided to run back I found nothing but love. Now that I am home, physically and spiritually, I am listening to my Father’s voice and understanding who I am on a deeper level than I have ever known before. I can’t hold regret for lost time because I am thankful for the contrast. Darkness cannot hide light. It was in my greatest weakness that I discovered I need to lean on His strength.

Posted on in personal development, Success

A Balance Checkpoint

If you’ve traveled highways you’ve likely seen a sign for a weigh station. Trucks that haul goods have to make stops at those stations for a check up. Physics dictate that hauling too much weight is bad for the truck and the road. Being overloaded can be dangerous to self and others.

The human mind is a lot like a truck in that way. Hauling around too much weight and being overloaded is dangerous and not healthy. If you keep heaping on mental and emotional burdens without ever organizing or dropping some of the load you are headed for disaster.

I love the image of the scale and use it often with my clients. Imagine that there is a scale before you much like the old fashion golden saucers used in mining. That scale is hanging on a rope of which you are holding the other end. You must pull that rope to level the scale and every ounce of weight added is a burden you physically feel and must leverage against. How hard do you want to work?

Every thing in your life represents a weight. Your relationships, your possessions, your thoughts; they all have a weight value. Some things are rather light and other things are rather heavy. The things you choose to take on you will bear the weight of.

Now imagine that your scale is poised on a pulley that helps you resist the weight. That pulley is your personal support, or how you take care of yourself. The more you invest in your care the bigger and better that pulley is. In fact, you can have an entire pulley system that displaces the weight and helps you to bear the load. Those pulleys and parts are made up of your support system; the people and things which have a positive impact on your life. So even a heavier load can be more easily managed with the right support system.

You still have to hold your rope. You must bear the burden of your life, even with a great support system there is work. Sometimes others will add weights to your scale. Sometimes you will need to remove some things and make wise adjustments. You can always expand your pulley system. Please take the time often to not only build, but to oil and maintain your supports. Take time for a balance checkpoint. Does your scale need tidying? Does your support system need some attention?

Posted on in personal development, Success

Life is a Verb

It is the first week of January. A new month, a new year, a new decade is upon us. This time is symbolic of hope, aspirations and resolutions. The common joke is that it will all be discarded in the upcoming weeks as reality comes crashing down around us. Life goes on as it always does.

All the good intentions of the recent resolutions made come from a true place of desire. A desire to change, to prosper, and to get more out of life. It doesn’t have to be a January thing. Change can be an active way to live. The alternative is a passive existence.

How often do we settle for a passive existence? The television that sits on it’s throne which we all gather around speaks to this chosen lifestyle of passivity. We give up hours watching someone else live! We buy into fairy tales scripted to feed our desires for something more. Those hours turn into days, into weeks, and before we know it we have lost time and so much more.

We don’t have to lose that time. I disconnected the cable long ago and am so much happier without it. I can barely find spare time to fit in all of what I want to do and I wonder how I ever found time to sit idly in front of that screen. The television itself isn’t an evil. An occasional family movie night can be a great way to connect and share a laugh. All technology is useful and has the potential for good. Is it a tool you are using or is it using you?

I would love to talk to more people who are connected to others and their passions. So many people answer the question “How do you relax?” with the familiar “I watch TV.” I don’t believe that drama and media provide much if any relaxation. However, a cup of tea at a cafe with a friend, completing that art project, taking a walk outside, or doing something with your hands and mind might just do something good for you.

Whether you have a long list of resolutions or you haven’t even tried to make up one; consider taking an inventory of how you spend your time and see if maybe there is a connection or passion that could better serve you as you start this new year.

Posted on in Spirituality

Hope in a Dark World.

It’s a week before Christmas. This season of holiday time and festivities elicits the image of a bustling, happy home full of family and food. Gifts are plentiful and people gather round a warm fireplace or couch for conversations and shared memories. Many a Hallmark movie would have us believe that this is the standard of acceptable activity in the coming week. There is peace on earth and good tidings everywhere!

What if that image doesn’t fit your home, your family, or your outlook? What if you aren’t “okay” this moment or this season? What if realities like loneliness, grief, broken relationship, poverty, abuse, addiction, or depression are closer than peace on earth? For many, this is a season of getting through, pressing on, or hoping for a better tomorrow.

If you don’t feel merry and bright in this moment, that’s okay. You’re not alone and you’re not defined by your emotions. Emotions serve to communicate something; whether an indicator to us internally or an expression of the internal to someone on the outside. They are useful and good but they are not in control. It’s okay to feel and it’s okay to act according to the reality you choose even if that doesn’t follow your emotions. Decision and action are powerful means to affect reality, as reality is largely perception.

There is one decision that stands forefront in the hearts of humankind which has the power to affect perception and reality like none other; to accept the gift of grace that God freely gives which provides peace and hope. This decision is yours despite your circumstances or emotions.
“Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.” Romans 15:13.