Posted on in mindset, personal development

Planned Failure

Welcome to January 2023! It’s officially the prime time for goal desertion and resolution repo. A lot of folks came running into the new year with lofty ambitions and shiny new goals and they will start to discard them right about now. I could tell you all about why new year resolutions are a bad idea and how to do more with less. In fact, I might just do that, but not here and not today.

Today I am going to share a concept with you that I teach to my clients. One that amplifies the success of any goals you might want to achieve. Let’s talk about planned failure. If you are a perfectionist, the title alone might make you cringe, but you are exactly the kind of person that needs this. So often, I talk to people who never start a project or idea because they are afraid to fail. It might be starting a new business, or hobby, or journaling, or crafting art, whatever the target may be they never even start at go. Why is this true so often? Fear of failure is a real monster that kills all sorts of potential before it’s even born.

Good news! I have the remedy for that fear. It’s called planned failure. When you initiate something planning to fail, success is inevitable. This is true because if the worst potential outcome is realized then you’ve hit the mark you were aiming for, but if you do better than you expect your success is on a different level. Rather than holding a standard that you can’t fail, you can literally make failure the standard and then you can only succeed!

This concept was born in my life a couple decades ago when I played pool for the first time. Even now, I am not an exceptional pool player. For some reason, the first time I played I felt ridiculous pressure to be good. Something about the poker face of other players was intimidating and made me try too hard. Call it young naivety. So of course, I failed miserably and felt embarrassed. Then when I found myself wanting to play in a casual setting, I just started announcing that I was no good and would likely lose the game. With that low bar set, when I actually hit the ball I was aiming for or actually made a pocket, it was a huge success! It was also highly entertaining to friends who were experienced players.

I repeated this planned failure in my artistic pursuits. When I started painting with new tools or new ideas, I prepared for the outcome of nothing spectacular. I used lower value supplies and set my intention to be experimental with no need to perfect any part of my process. Sometimes I make uninteresting chaos but sometimes I make really cool art. The old perfectionist in me would have whined over wasted materials, wasted time, and wasted talent- if I couldn’t be good at all times. Now I don’t believe in waste. Even if I got an insignificant end result, I learned about the process. I might have learned how pouring paint feels, or how pressure on an airbrush needs to change to control the stream. All modes of learning are good in their own power.

So stop avoiding living your life over a fear that has no power over you. Fail! Do the thing and love the process as much as the outcome. If you practice planned failure, you will certainly level up in life.

Posted on in Personal Thoughts

The Problem with Health Insurance and Therapy

We all need someone to talk to sometimes, someone to listen, to care, to process, to advise us occasionally, and to support us through transitions in life. I teach a pyramid of support. At the bottom, the foundation layer, you have the support that is closest to you in proximity. This includes your family and friends, peers and coworkers, acquaintances, and social connections. It’s the people who form your daily interactions and will likely show up to your funeral. At the tippy top of the pyramid is the rarest and most professional support you might ever need; think psychiatrist, plastic surgeon, or criminal defense attorney. Some people never need this level of support. If you do have a need in this category, it is likely there is no alternative because it is so specialized.

The middle part of the pyramid between the bookends includes a variety of styles and levels of support. I call this the “can’t do it myself and I need some help” section. Skilled trades and professional services fall into this section. It’s the people who provide you something you can’t do for yourself. Narrowing in on the category of mental health, this section includes therapists, counselors, mentors, social workers, life coaches, health coaches, doctors, nurses, trainers, and more. There are many people in many roles who offer different flavors of support but ultimately are purposed to help you make the most of your life and find true wellness.

Unfortunately, in our society, money and the systems it flows through controls the narrative. In recent decades, “health insurance” has become the standard decision maker in people’s care. Many professionals who are connected to the “health care system” are under the influence of the people behind insurance. So, when therapy transitioned to a health-care service in order to qualify for coverage, it became a pawn of the industry too. What does this mean for you?

Concisely, if you use your health insurance to cover a service, it must be deemed a medically necessary treatment. Said another way, anything that your insurance pays for must be justified as a treatment of a disease or disorder. Your therapist has to diagnose you with a mental health disorder and then notate your treatment to get paid. I’ve talked about this before in sharing why I left the clinical world of professional counseling. The system is not aligned with my moral standard. For a small group of individuals, this insurance benefit is a great thing! But most people are walking around believing they have mental health issues that they don’t. In fact, socially it is common to make light of serious disorders because they have become so familiar to us. I find this to be a tragedy and disservice to humanity.

It’s time to start viewing money, healthcare, and professional support differently. It’s not what most people think it is. This is why I offer the services that I do and at a rate that does not compete with insurance. I believe in the power of support for personal growth and wellness. We’re all trying to make a living doing something we love. I’m also trying to change the world by flowing under the mainstream current for the greater good. It’s not easy standing alone but it’s worth it. I’ll tell you the hard truth. I hope you receive it.

Posted on in embodiment, personal development

Personal Mastery

It has become apparent to me, as I’ve gained the sort of insight that comes with age, that competition is vanity. In most categories, the act of competing against someone else is only to the end of assigning an arbitrary status of greater than or less than. It is also apparent to me that the value of dominating over others is superficial, where the value of personal mastery is great.

If you’re going to do a thing, do it well. Incompetence is rampant and much business is conducted by people who have no business doing so. I hold to the value that people should be doing what they are most passionate about, but until they are able to acquire that level of accomplishment, they should do well at whatever they are responsible for doing.

There is one thing that each and every person should master and that is knowing the self. I believe the Greeks were accredited with the slogan “Know Thyself” but it’s a rather universal and basic pillar. Yet so many people slide through life without really knowing, understanding, or accepting their personal experience. In fact, we seek outward in others what can be learned directly in our own very capable experience. Human beings are primed to learn through sensory exploration, as evidenced by the natural, unaided development of the first years of life. A baby will learn to eat, walk, talk, and begin to behave according to expectations and social norms without any prescription of systematic instruction. Our minds are quite incredible.

My aim is to provide insight and tools to help others on their journeys of personal mastery. Teaching embodiment is foundational to the level of self-acceptance necessary for true personal growth. In two weeks, I am hosting a Personal Mastery Workshop which will be both educational and hands-on. I welcome you to come and join us in opening your mind to get to know your-self.

Posted on in Identity, personal development

Your Tribe Needs You

In a morning conversation today, a wise woman gave me the reminder that human beings, by nature, are tribal and rooted in relationship. I was in thought about how to plan my writing in a way that had the most value and was contemplating how relationships are central to the way we live. Quite often, our identity is deeply woven into the relationships we value. We take on names and titles like mother, wife, and _____ member. No single role title defines who we are, but it certainly gives shape to the greater image we bear.

How I show up to my relationships matters. Conflict is within the realm of relationship. Certainly, on my own I do not need conflict because I can do what I want to do. It’s when the ideas or expectations of others impose on my autonomy that conflict arises. So, in application, conflict is a tool for the shaping of my character. How I receive it, process it, and react to it will always leave an impression on my life and the lives which are entangled with me in that conflict.

You can’t show up in relationships unhealed without exposing others to your pain. You also can’t gain the greatest benefits from relationship until you are whole and able to give and receive without conditions. Yet, we always grow in light of the growing pains in relationship. In other words, the need for repair in relationship triggers mending of the self. If we are blessed with support, that mending reaches a deep, personal level that goes beyond the surface of the connection we are investing in.

Do the work. Heal the parts of you that long to be part of the whole. Integrate yourself so that you can show up and lead others into their greatest journeys. Allow yourself to be lead, through meaningful learning, by others who have walked where you are before you. Embrace connection for all it gives and be willing to show up for your tribe in ways that uplift the lowest and uphold the highest values.

I’m going to take you on a journey through the topic of relationships and help you find your healing. Stay connected for more.

Posted on in mindset, Success

The Truth About Self-Care

It’s become repeated so much that it’s almost nauseating to say, self-care. What is self-care and are you doing it wrong? Most people have the completely wrong idea about what this thing is and how to go about it. Let me help you see it a little differently.

The answers are usually similar when I ask, “what are you doing to take care of yourself?” Popular responses include, watching tv, taking a yearly vacation, walking the dog, eating something to sooth emotions, getting a pedicure, and going out to lunch with friends every couple of months. Some people are surprised to learn that none of that is self-care. Some of it qualifies as self-pampering and that’s an okay thing to do! Some of it is the opposite of care and is actually toxic and destructive.

So, what is self-care? Let’s look at this from another angle. If you were given sole responsibility of a small child for the day, what kinds of things would you do to take care of her? There are some obvious basics like safety and nourishment. That would get you by for a moment and is absolutely necessary care. Spend a little more time with your tiny tot and you will quickly realize she has needs for connection, affection, releasing energy, engaging imagination, learning, exploring her environment, etc. The care of a child is quite involved in order for her to thrive and flourish.

As an adult, you are the provider of self-care, or in other words, the sole responsible party to meet your basic care needs. You become, figuratively, the small child you are caring for and the responsible adult providing that care. Your self-care should look like the things you do every day to meet your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. The occasional spa day or vacation can certainly contribute to that but it’s not enough alone! Imagine someone asking how things are going with taking care of your new little bundle-of-joy and you respond, “Well she got a massage last month and there is a family vacation coming up next summer she’s looking forward to.” That’s often the kind of mindset I encounter with self-care.

There is so much you can do for yourself. It comes down to individual decisions. Every choice you make throughout every day can contribute to your self-care being a healthy expression of self-love. Our needs are fairly consistent throughout life even though how we meet them can change.

So, how are you taking care of yourself today?

Posted on in Personal Thoughts

Changing Seasons

Happy Autumn Blessings! This is absolutely my favorite time of the year, for many reasons. I love the cooler weather and the beautiful colors of nature. For me, this is a slow down time every year. The busyness of summer has fizzled out and the bustle of the holiday season hasn’t quite taken off. It is an atmosphere of peace and contentment.

This year in particular, I am welcoming the slow-down of October. There has been a lot going on! We purchased our forever home and did a complete renovation of this little farmhouse. (It’s still a work in progress.) I expanded my business and now have a local studio location for Bodywork. (Have you checked out that tab yet?) I headed many community projects as I’ve been absorbing myself in the local rural area where we’ve chosen to settle down. Including starting a digital newspaper, which is in large part why my blog has been so quiet all summer. Writing and editing a newspaper takes a chunk of time each week! I also birthed another dream as a branch of my business in Whole Well Women and we just wrapped up the completion of our first ever women’s conference!

To say the least, I’ve been busy. I don’t recommend doing everything you possibly can in life all at once. It’s exhausting! I am ambitious and I took the bargain of a season of hustle to bring me to the point where I can hopefully step back and nurture these things with much less stress. I am incredibly proud of myself for pulling through this year. I know, it isn’t over yet. I still have a book to publish that took a back seat for a while and I am returning to my commitment of regular publishing here. This serves as an update to catch you up on all that’s been pulling me away and let you know, I’m back!

So much more is coming soon! If you haven’t heard it lately, let me remind you- pursue your passions! Create your dreams and show up for your life- the one you really want.

Posted on in Emotions

Art in the Park Festival

Therapeutic Art Workshops

Next week I’m bringing out the brushes and colors to get some expression flowing! Therapeutic Art is a technique in which we use the tools of artistry to express thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Human beings are creative and expressive by nature. Conflict and trauma can create blocks which cause us to limit our expression. Guided, therapeutic art can be a mode of emotional release. It can help with processing, seeking understanding, forgiving and letting go, or birthing and developing new ideas.

Saturday, June 11th, from 1-4pm, I will be set up at Harrison Smith Park in Upper Sandusky, as a vendor for the festival. We will have a workshop every hour where you can come paint with us! You can find the registration for this workshop HERE.

Posted on in Emotions, mindset

Triggered

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

This week I wrote a guest post on another blog. It was a simple encouragement about the possibility of overcoming social anxiety. This is an arena where I have a lot of experience and I have first-hand success in helping people overcome anxiety. There is a defining mindset that absolutely matters when trying to overcome any mental obstacle. What you believe matters.

This could not be more evident than when interacting on social media. People display what they believe in how they respond to any challenging thought. Some people become invested supporters because they see the vision. Others become boisterous opposition because they cannot accept anything that challenges what they believe. Those are the people who are clinging to excuses and are not yet capable of true change. Wouldn’t you know, they came for me when I suggested that anxiety can be overcome! How dare I offer to take away their crutches and show them how to walk!

Okay, I’m being slightly flippant while enjoying the show. I love how people say everything you need to know without speaking. This illuminated a concept for me that is too good not to share. Trigger safety matters.

Where you point the barrel matters. How you place your finger matters. Knowing your equipment matters. If we are talking about real guns, every part of gun safety matters. Who would argue that? Trauma and emotional regulation are a lot like holding a loaded gun. The second the trigger is pulled, your control ends. The bullet will hit what it was aimed at. You have to be prepared for the possible outcomes prior to the trigger pull.

Trauma loads a bullet. It becomes your responsibility to learn your equipment, maintain it in good working order, and always be aware of where the barrel is pointed. Your mind and body are the equipment. If left unattended, unkept, you become vulnerable to someone pulling your trigger. They say guns don’t kill people and there is always a person pulling the trigger. What does that say about trauma and our responsibility to heal?

I know it’s deep, inspiring, or maybe challenging to think about trauma in this way. Just like social anxiety, I believe you can overcome it. Healing is possible.

Posted on in mindset

Organization

Today there are 19 days of the month of April behind me. It would seem that I’ve lost track of time, or that I’ve been too busy, and so it feels as if time is moving quicker than it should. In reality, most of time is outside of our awareness. It takes discipline, and sometimes tools, to manage time. In fact, time management is one area where I’ve done a lot of work with people. It’s a common struggle to synchronize with time. Is it possible that this struggle exists because we are actually created to be timeless? I believe there is a deep, spiritual principal hidden in this mystery.

In any case, while we are present in this existence, we are bound by time. We are also responsible for managing physical matter; our bodies included, as well as our possessions and surroundings. If you’ve been present with me on social media this month, we’ve been talking about all these different aspects to organizing one’s life. It’s no small task!

Every level of organization starts with a single decision. It continues by each single decision. Don’t focus so much on huge milestones that you miss the simple steps which will carry you there. Underlying the organization of one’s life is the principle of minimalism. Now, I know there are those of you out there who will disagree with me. Some of you are very attached to your possessions and wouldn’t dream of minimizing what you carry in this life. You are welcome to accumulate and carry as much weight as you can hold. The fact is everyone has a limit. I am often working with people on decluttering and reducing material possessions because the outside environment has taken an ill effect on the internal environment (mind and emotions). True minimalism is a principle, a mindset, and lens through which you view the world. It’s not about reaching a magical number of photos, books, or kitchen mugs. It’s about loving what you have, that which is useful, and not attaching yourself to material possessions.

I could write a book on this topic! Maybe I will. If you are struggling with the organization in your life, whether it’s your thoughts, emotions, time, energy, possessions, relationships, etc., I am here to help you find your way. Connect with me if you’d like to go deeper.

Posted on in Identity, mindset

Trauma is a Buzzword

Everywhere from social media to mainstream media, people are talking about trauma. Like no other time in history, we have access to an abundance of trauma-informed care options that range from self-help to professional help. Even the term, trauma-informed, is a cultural norm in 2022. So where did all this trauma come from? Are there really so many people with trauma?

Traditionally, trauma was viewed as a major, life-altering, negative event. War, natural disaster, death, loss, divorce, abuse, etc. were all the well-known causes of trauma. Today, it seems like anything can be considered traumatic depending on what definition you apply to it. There is some truth to this. How we experience an event can mean much more than the event itself. That’s why a group of people can go through the same disaster and come out with very different effects. Yet, if state-of-mind determines if something is traumatic, then being stuck in trauma response would logically create more trauma with new situations. Seems like quite the cycle.

When I embarked on my journey as a counselor over a decade ago, my vantage point was a trauma-informed therapist. My own life story contains the pain which lead to me wanting to help others. Not only did I have first-hand experience, but I trained and studied in the various theories and modalities that would help me to help others the way I had been helped. At some point along the way, as trauma became a mainstream concept, I started to pull back from seeking out the trauma in others. Honestly, it is overwhelming to be aware of and intimately involved in the pain and healing process of others.

Recently, I have come to accept that the things which were healed in me, still exist in me. Even though triggers lost their power and coping was replaced by understanding, I am shaped by my experiences. Both the undoing and the rebuilding are mine. Life takes me through cycles where I find a sensitivity, I deconstruct the ideology which is causing me pain, I heal and define my own understanding, and I use it to help the next soul who is brought my way. Today, like so many years ago, my passion to heal the world starts with healing a newly uncovered part of me.