Posted on in Emotions, Identity, Personal Thoughts, trauma

Pt 2: On The Floor

It happened sooner than I expected. If I’m honest, everyone expected it. Maybe it wasn’t sooner, but actually, long overdue. It’s somehow like having a houseplant in the window that you’ve watched slowly die over many years. At first, it was beautiful, alive, and brought you joy when you looked at it. Over time, it began to fade for a variety of reasons. Regular care became occasional splashes of water that might give it a little perking up but never actually nourished it. As it faded, you drew the blinds to hide the painful truth. The lack of sunlight and fresh air from the outside only allowed it to wilt more. At some point, you realized it was dead and unsalvageable. So, you kept the blinds closed, you quit attempting to water it at all, and you just accepted that it was lost. Yet, you left it there because you couldn’t bring yourself to throw it away. If you looked at it, you would remember fondly how beautiful it once was and how it made you feel when it bloomed. Sure, it only bloomed a handful of times but while it was still green you embraced the hope that it could bloom again. The more it faded the more foolish that hope felt and at some point, you traded hope for reminiscing. You stopped looking to the future and just wouldn’t let go of the past. Until the moment came, someone threw open the window, knocking the plant out of your reach and it shattered on the floor. The dry, exhausted plant laid shriveled up on the floor, roots exposed, surrounded by dirt too deep to just brush away, and shattered pieces of the beautiful pottery that once contained its essence now looking like total devastation.

I take in a deep breathe that feels like it’s crushing my soul in such a tight space in my chest. In this moment, I realize I am the plant. My world is shattered around me. The dirt is everywhere, too deep to even see through at this point. My roots lie in the open, forcing me to see every wound that contributed to the rot of my foundation. What was once alive, cared for, wanted, and beautiful, is a shadow of the past and resembles an identity that doesn’t look anything like the truth of the seed it grew from. I remember the seed. I look up at the ceiling and know I have to clean up this mess. Just for today, I will not worry about tomorrow, or think about yesterday, because I’ve been there for so long that I missed this moment for far too long. So long in fact, that the end of forever came suddenly, so it seems.

Posted on in Emotions, Identity, Personal Thoughts, trauma

Pt 1: The Descent

She let her mind go first, then her body followed. Understand, when a woman “let’s herself go” there is a slow, painful death of part of her soul that must occur before she can burry that pain deep in her body. It starts with a question. She deflects criticism and doubt as long as she can, until the question appears. It is a question of personal doubt, a confusion, a foggy reasoning, because her understanding of who she is and your revealed perception of who she is can’t both be true. She loves you, so she will doubt herself in order to cling tight to her beliefs about you. She believes you love her, you cherish her, and that you want to give her the world. How could she not believe all of that? It is what you promised, after all.

Then comes the tearing; her mind is split in two as if each truth can be hidden from the other. Then nobody has to be wrong, or a liar, or delusional. So, one side believes she is strong, capable, worthy of love, and will thrive. The other side believes you hung the moon, even as the light grows dim. She becomes two personalities, upkeeping both facades. She is your every dream. She is her own hero. Neither has to compromise for the other. A breathing, walking inconsistency.

Inevitably, there is a break down. You see through the facade. You call her out. She can’t accept it because it is the very thing that keeps her alive. She must deny the truth of the imposter she has become in order to not lose touch with the reality she has created. So, she dives deeper into the programming and pours her energy into being enough for everyone. She has never been enough for you, and she makes up for it by appearing to be more than enough to everyone. It’s exhausting, living out stories so grand, but she can’t stop, or she will lose touch with the character she has created to replace her weaknesses. She creates space between her and every offense, every rejection, every doubt, every criticism, and soon she finds that space hurts less than emotion. In the space she appears strong, independent, even admirable. So, she gets comfortable there.

Posted on in Personal Thoughts, trauma

Going Under

I’ve never touched the ocean, but I might as well be lost at sea. The ground my feet was planted on has somehow slipped away. My hair is dry, yet my mind is saturated with a flood of thoughts and emotions that came upon me like a raging storm and there is no escape, no shelter, nothing but dark clouds as far as I can comprehend. I swim as hard as I can, trying to get through this moment, this day, this wave. I take a deep breath as the waves roll over me and I get pulled under. The pressure crushes me, the darkness envelopes me, as I descend with a struggle, fighting to reach the surface again.

I am suspended in time and space as everything appears to move in slow motion. I can’t breathe in. I can’t exhale. I can’t move; there is not forward or backward, no north or south, no GPS to tell me where to go and how to get where I need to be. Just as my mind screams that “I AM GOING TO DIE HERE”, the wave relents and gives me up so that I can break through the surface of this pain and for a moment I can …just …breathe.

Photo by Matt Hardy on Pexels.com
Posted on in Personal Thoughts

Don’t Blink

It seems like not very long ago that I was writing a wrap up to 2023. Now, seemingly suddenly, it’s nearing the end of the first week of March. I’ve thought about writing while in the car, or in the shower, or in the grocery store. Some of my best ideas show up in the midst of busy little necessities of life. Travis Tritt said it so well, “It was all with the best of intentions.” The older I get, the more that good intentions float on by and life continues to speed up.

I have a goal to get a lot of ideas out of my head and into writing. Here is the first page, just some sweet ramblings. It’s been awhile since I wrote, so how are you doing? Are your goals coming along? I would LOVE for you to respond to this and tell me a little about your ambitions for 2024. Even just to say that you’re still taking one step at a time, because any movement forward is progress.

Photo by Lalesh Aldarwish on Pexels
Posted on in Identity, Personal Thoughts

Purpose is in Your DNA

Before we lay 2023 to rest, I want to tell a little story. Have you ever wondered what hopes and dreams your ancestors had for you? Have you ever thought about what hopes and dreams you have for your lineage that comes after you?

This story could go back for centuries, into the beginning of time. To keep it relevant and relatable, we will only go back to the early 1900’s. It’s important to start with a simple fact; both of my parents were adopted. The story of my paternal grandfather and paternal grandmother could be a book or even a soap opera. Both of these individuals were married and had families. Yet, they shared a love story that is something truly wild and mostly left to the imagination. I do wish they were alive to tell the story in their own words. I did meet my biological paternal grandmother, but I never met my biological paternal grandfather. Sadly, I have no depth of knowing either of them or any personal conversation to contribute. What I do know is that despite having spouses and families, these two produced four biological children of their own. To my knowledge, they were never together in relationship and their long-term affair was somehow overlooked while they remained in their marriages. What a scandalous heritage! The point is, there is a story of forbidden love, a repeated return to something passionate, and in a time when divorce was not so common – a moral taboo too great to even speak of, all on this one branch of my family tree.

Fast forward a few decades and you’ll find me in my awkward adolescent years. I was the new kid at another new school, but I was quick to make new friends. One friend in particular just happens to be in the right place at the right time and discovers an amazing connection; we are actually cousins! When I think about the odds that we would both end up at that school at the same time, become friends, and make this discovery, it blows my mind! I think we would have been friends no matter what, but learning we were cousins added a very special seasoning to the recipe. We weren’t just any number down the line kind of cousins, but first cousins. My dad and his dad had the same dad- whoa! They didn’t grow up as brothers or even know the other existed. Similarly, we didn’t grow up as cousins or have any of that family roots kind of connection. In fact, we have no common family practically speaking. Although we are technically, biologically related to many of the same people, there is no relationship shared among us all. That’s another very unique aspect of our connection.

The most incredible thing to me is the spiritual connection we share. Throughout the many years of our adult lives, we have often met at the same crossroads and navigated a path together. A couple of times he has been my beacon in a storm, and I hope that I’ve at least been a true friend when he needed one. We’ve shared our gifts through dreams and discernment with many hours of discussion. I believe that so much of my personal, emotional, and spiritual growth has bloomed because I have this reflective soul in friendship who sees me and understands me in such a deep way. As if that’s not already the most amazing gift, he married a fantastic woman who has become one of my best friends and mirrors these qualities too. Their union is such a blessing and I have two best friends who’s intellectual, emotional, and spiritual depth reveal to me a glimpse of what human connection is meant to be. For that I am so grateful.

This is where the story comes full circle. My grandparents might well have had little foresight about the consequences of their actions. Maybe they didn’t care, or felt they had no options, or maybe they hoped for the best despite their failings as most parents do. I wonder if they ever could have imagined where we’d be today. Somehow, I believe, there is so much passion and purpose packed into our DNA that it brought together two souls meant to journey together. Maybe all of our connections are potentially just as powerful. Maybe we really do create reality and attract what is meant for us. Or maybe all good stories just have twists and coincidences. What do you think?

Posted on in Personal Thoughts

As Summer Winds Down

Today is the eighth of September 2023. The temperature topped out at 68 degrees with a gentle breeze and a comfortable overcast that provides plenty of light with almost no direct sunlight. This is true September. All year long I wait for this day and the few weeks that follow. September, October, November; the best of the “Ber months.” I am an Autumn baby; born in the month of October and all my life I have loved this season more than any other. It feels like home. It brings healing, rest, peace, and the gift of time.

So many people will begin to reflect on life, think deeply, and wrestle with that instinctual sense to prepare for winter now that the season is changing in a tangible way. We will still have warm and beautiful days before the leaves surrender. The colors will come and go in the blink of an eye, a true testament to how short life really is. There is so much to do as we slide towards the fourth and final quarter of the year.

In some ways, summer got away from me this year. It went too fast! Yet, I’ve done a lot. I’ve worked hard, made changes, conquered growth, let go of things I didn’t need to hold onto, and embraced every opportunity I could. I hope you’ve done the same. One of the things I look forward to the most about this time of year is getting back into writing. Summer took me away from my book and I am about to return to her. There are so many emotions about the process but I am ready, once again, to face the shadows and find the healing I’ve been pursuing for so many years.
This isn’t a deep philosophical writing. It’s more of a meandering through so many thoughts as my excitement builds in anticipation of what’s to come. I hope you’ll stay with me through some of the journey. Be blessed.

Posted on in embodiment, trauma

Post Trauma

You’ve likely heard of PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. After someone has gone through a traumatic event, they may develop symptoms that interfere with daily life and include physical, mental, and emotional disturbances. At the extreme, this can be crippling and requires professional support to recover. In many cases, symptoms are less severe and may even be hidden, giving the appearance of normal functioning. Many professionals believe that PTSD can be resolved by treatment and plenty of living proof is walking around in the world. Some believe that the effects are life-long and at the very least, change how a person experiences life. To any person who is struggling with PTSD, especially those who try to hide it, do not be afraid to reach out and seek support. There are amazing therapies that can improve your life.

What happens after therapy? Maybe you’ve improved enough to function well but still feel different than you used to be. Maybe you have been through something traumatic but don’t have the symptoms of PTSD, yet you still feel not yourself. Maybe you notice that traumatic thoughts resurface sometimes, or that triggers exist in unexpected ways. Regardless of any diagnosis, or treatment you’ve had, maybe you just know that an event changed you and that’s hard to accept.

When there’s no stress disorder (PTSD) but you’re stuck in the limbo post trauma (PTSD) or you’ve healed a lot but still the post trauma changes linger, it can be a confusing place. Social messages tell you that you’re either all broken or should be all healed and back to your old self. That’s simply not the case. Everything we go through in life forms us, changes us, and impacts who we become. This is true of positive and negative occurrences, big and small. Even when we go through a negative or distressing event, we can utilize the effects of that experience for positive growth. We become more aware, more insightful, more compassionate, we see the world differently, and even the hard parts can be used for good.

Trauma is too common. It’s part of the human experience. Everyone gets dealt a different hand and we never know what tomorrow holds. Count your blessings every day because bad can’t erase good. And if you find yourself in the post trauma fog looking for answers, come with me on a journey of healing and find hope.

Posted on in Personal Thoughts

My Journey Is My Own

The next question that came was, “Do you enjoy helping others?” My first thought was a curiosity of other perspectives. Do people think my work is all about helping others? Do people think my goal is to help people? What an interesting idea.

I don’t try to help others. It’s not my goal, or my intention, or my reason for doing what I do. Admittedly, my process often does help in terms of providing insight or resources. I believe if I approached my work with the goal of helping others, I would fail often. That’s a lot of pressure with little direction.

I believe there is a process of becoming, an unfolding of authentic identity that must occur for purpose and passion to meet. I did not embark on my journey to help others. I did it to help me. I did not sign up for college classes or earn degrees with the thought of how someone else could be more successful. I did it to acquire new knowledge that was aligned with my deepest values and to navigate my own beliefs, fears, and possibilities. I never embraced a role, a job, or a duty to be nice or helpful. I did it because I knew without a doubt I was where I belong, and it would create momentum for the next leap.

Who I am and what I do are aligned, intertwined, and inseparable. Along the way to get where I am now, there were many levels, many upgrades, plenty of challenges, and so much to learn! Here’s the thing; I’m not done growing and I’m going to keep going! I love where I am but I know there is more for me. I don’t always know what my presence will mean to someone else, but I know that if I show up where I am meant to be as myself, it will be powerful, meaningful, and moving. I wish for everyone to reach this understanding and move into authentic being. Imagine what the world could be like!

Posted on in personal development

Breathe Passion

Recently I was asked, “Do you love what you do?” Questions like this come up from time to time, especially when encountering someone new or new to what I do. It makes me laugh because the honest answer seems obvious to me. Of course, I love what I do! Why else would I do it?

In reality, a lot of people do things they don’t love. Sometimes there is good reason to do the necessary work of life. Sometimes the thing you are doing isn’t what fulfills you, but it is a pathway towards your true fulfillment. In a perfect world, anyone who answers “no” to the question of loving what you do would follow with a “but” that describes why they do it and how they are truly happy. Income isn’t always tied to passion.

I feel very blessed to say my work is my passion. I’ve been doing it so long now; I sometimes forget how long the road really was for me. I didn’t always love the work I had to do. I didn’t always love school and the things I was required to learn to move up and acquire more. In fact, it took me no less than a decade to reach the point where I had organized things just well enough to move into the career field I was pursuing. In that time, I spent thousands of hours in classrooms and hundreds more in jobs that were necessary, maybe fun, sometimes unpleasant, but in any case, it was all part of the journey.

Every part of my journey has been a learning experience. I don’t expect that to stop now. So, embrace where you are along your path, even if you don’t know the destination or even the next turn. We face detours, reroutes, construction, vast miles of emptiness, traffic jams, stops, and every other challenge a road offers in life. Yet, there is much beauty to behold and there can always be a next destination rather than a final one.

Posted on in embodiment, mindset, Success

The Work of Life

In the work that I do, I am privileged to a multitude of insights and perspectives. From one-on-one coaching sessions to support groups, working with individuals, couples, and family dynamics, and being presented with personal experiences from any category of life you can think of. It’s a blessing for an inquiring mind. I’ve always been fascinated by the human mind with a disposition towards wanting to understand how things (and people) work. Even with all of this data surrounding my everyday conversations, my best teacher has been my own experience.

Often, I am perplexed by the passiveness by which people choose to live their lives. There’s an old saying about humans being creatures of habit and surely that is what I see more often than not. Over many years, life is made up of simple routines and repeat activities for so many people. Here’s the catch; if your routines and activities are that which you want your life to be made of, you’re living the dream! However, for many people there is a heavy cloak of unhappiness, regret, and discontentment that veils the life they don’t really want to be living.

Life is work, plain and simple. Either you will work hard at carrying a heavy burden and presenting a facade to the people you care about, or you will work hard to build that which makes you truly happy. There is no lazy life because inactivity sacrifices experience. In certain moments we may float through life without much active ambition, but if those moments persist, we will miss out on the actual living.

Time and time again, I hear people complain about effort. Things are labeled as “too hard” and so passions are given up. Inconveniences become overwhelming and so things with meaning are neglected and never taken up again. The irony is that these same people appear to be blind to how much effort they expend making excuses and rerouting their lives into things that suck all of their energy with negativity. It’s exhausting to observe and so frustrating to know that a matter of choice could literally change the world for a person.

Think about it. Then decide what you want and live your life to the fullest, accomplishing your purpose, your dreams, and the great adventures of life. It might be difficult and even full of obstacles, but you were made to do it.