Category: trauma

Posted on in embodiment, Spirituality, trauma

Who Is Allowed To Touch You?

Certainly, you have experienced human energy. The shift when someone enters the room; either lighting it up or bringing it down. A person’s mood can cause a domino effect. The words we speak project our energy out into the environment, affecting those who receive them. Human energy is vital, alive, penetrating, and of great consequence. Anyone who has been in a long term relationship knows how a person affects a partner, for better or for worse. Those aren’t just empty vows. They are an energetic covenant which binds the intentions and actions of two souls together.

Even the small, daily, and passive actions cause shifts in the environment, including the people in it. It is important to be aware of what energy is affecting us and to proactively protect our own energy. An observation, most people are oblivious to energy exchange and go along being affected without the awareness to choose how to interact with other people’s energies. Our body language communicates the subtleties that we feel even when unaware. Sometimes we create distance when we are uncomfortable or cross our arms in a protective stance. If someone has positive, attractive energy, we may feel drawn to be closer to them or even touch them.

It’s important to realize that every person whom you allow to make physical contact with you is either drawing from your energy or depositing their own energy onto you, sometimes both. It affects your energy, your mental function, and even your physical body in some direct ways. Be wise, consider your own wellbeing. Learn ways to energetically protect your mind and body. Decide who may touch you, when, and how. Remember how powerful your own energy is and nurture it.

Posted on in Emotions, Identity, Personal Thoughts, trauma

Pt 2: On The Floor

It happened sooner than I expected. If I’m honest, everyone expected it. Maybe it wasn’t sooner, but actually, long overdue. It’s somehow like having a houseplant in the window that you’ve watched slowly die over many years. At first, it was beautiful, alive, and brought you joy when you looked at it. Over time, it began to fade for a variety of reasons. Regular care became occasional splashes of water that might give it a little perking up but never actually nourished it. As it faded, you drew the blinds to hide the painful truth. The lack of sunlight and fresh air from the outside only allowed it to wilt more. At some point, you realized it was dead and unsalvageable. So, you kept the blinds closed, you quit attempting to water it at all, and you just accepted that it was lost. Yet, you left it there because you couldn’t bring yourself to throw it away. If you looked at it, you would remember fondly how beautiful it once was and how it made you feel when it bloomed. Sure, it only bloomed a handful of times but while it was still green you embraced the hope that it could bloom again. The more it faded the more foolish that hope felt and at some point, you traded hope for reminiscing. You stopped looking to the future and just wouldn’t let go of the past. Until the moment came, someone threw open the window, knocking the plant out of your reach and it shattered on the floor. The dry, exhausted plant laid shriveled up on the floor, roots exposed, surrounded by dirt too deep to just brush away, and shattered pieces of the beautiful pottery that once contained its essence now looking like total devastation.

I take in a deep breathe that feels like it’s crushing my soul in such a tight space in my chest. In this moment, I realize I am the plant. My world is shattered around me. The dirt is everywhere, too deep to even see through at this point. My roots lie in the open, forcing me to see every wound that contributed to the rot of my foundation. What was once alive, cared for, wanted, and beautiful, is a shadow of the past and resembles an identity that doesn’t look anything like the truth of the seed it grew from. I remember the seed. I look up at the ceiling and know I have to clean up this mess. Just for today, I will not worry about tomorrow, or think about yesterday, because I’ve been there for so long that I missed this moment for far too long. So long in fact, that the end of forever came suddenly, so it seems.

Posted on in Emotions, Identity, Personal Thoughts, trauma

Pt 1: The Descent

She let her mind go first, then her body followed. Understand, when a woman “let’s herself go” there is a slow, painful death of part of her soul that must occur before she can burry that pain deep in her body. It starts with a question. She deflects criticism and doubt as long as she can, until the question appears. It is a question of personal doubt, a confusion, a foggy reasoning, because her understanding of who she is and your revealed perception of who she is can’t both be true. She loves you, so she will doubt herself in order to cling tight to her beliefs about you. She believes you love her, you cherish her, and that you want to give her the world. How could she not believe all of that? It is what you promised, after all.

Then comes the tearing; her mind is split in two as if each truth can be hidden from the other. Then nobody has to be wrong, or a liar, or delusional. So, one side believes she is strong, capable, worthy of love, and will thrive. The other side believes you hung the moon, even as the light grows dim. She becomes two personalities, upkeeping both facades. She is your every dream. She is her own hero. Neither has to compromise for the other. A breathing, walking inconsistency.

Inevitably, there is a break down. You see through the facade. You call her out. She can’t accept it because it is the very thing that keeps her alive. She must deny the truth of the imposter she has become in order to not lose touch with the reality she has created. So, she dives deeper into the programming and pours her energy into being enough for everyone. She has never been enough for you, and she makes up for it by appearing to be more than enough to everyone. It’s exhausting, living out stories so grand, but she can’t stop, or she will lose touch with the character she has created to replace her weaknesses. She creates space between her and every offense, every rejection, every doubt, every criticism, and soon she finds that space hurts less than emotion. In the space she appears strong, independent, even admirable. So, she gets comfortable there.

Posted on in Personal Thoughts, trauma

Going Under

I’ve never touched the ocean, but I might as well be lost at sea. The ground my feet was planted on has somehow slipped away. My hair is dry, yet my mind is saturated with a flood of thoughts and emotions that came upon me like a raging storm and there is no escape, no shelter, nothing but dark clouds as far as I can comprehend. I swim as hard as I can, trying to get through this moment, this day, this wave. I take a deep breath as the waves roll over me and I get pulled under. The pressure crushes me, the darkness envelopes me, as I descend with a struggle, fighting to reach the surface again.

I am suspended in time and space as everything appears to move in slow motion. I can’t breathe in. I can’t exhale. I can’t move; there is not forward or backward, no north or south, no GPS to tell me where to go and how to get where I need to be. Just as my mind screams that “I AM GOING TO DIE HERE”, the wave relents and gives me up so that I can break through the surface of this pain and for a moment I can …just …breathe.

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Posted on in embodiment, trauma

Post Trauma

You’ve likely heard of PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. After someone has gone through a traumatic event, they may develop symptoms that interfere with daily life and include physical, mental, and emotional disturbances. At the extreme, this can be crippling and requires professional support to recover. In many cases, symptoms are less severe and may even be hidden, giving the appearance of normal functioning. Many professionals believe that PTSD can be resolved by treatment and plenty of living proof is walking around in the world. Some believe that the effects are life-long and at the very least, change how a person experiences life. To any person who is struggling with PTSD, especially those who try to hide it, do not be afraid to reach out and seek support. There are amazing therapies that can improve your life.

What happens after therapy? Maybe you’ve improved enough to function well but still feel different than you used to be. Maybe you have been through something traumatic but don’t have the symptoms of PTSD, yet you still feel not yourself. Maybe you notice that traumatic thoughts resurface sometimes, or that triggers exist in unexpected ways. Regardless of any diagnosis, or treatment you’ve had, maybe you just know that an event changed you and that’s hard to accept.

When there’s no stress disorder (PTSD) but you’re stuck in the limbo post trauma (PTSD) or you’ve healed a lot but still the post trauma changes linger, it can be a confusing place. Social messages tell you that you’re either all broken or should be all healed and back to your old self. That’s simply not the case. Everything we go through in life forms us, changes us, and impacts who we become. This is true of positive and negative occurrences, big and small. Even when we go through a negative or distressing event, we can utilize the effects of that experience for positive growth. We become more aware, more insightful, more compassionate, we see the world differently, and even the hard parts can be used for good.

Trauma is too common. It’s part of the human experience. Everyone gets dealt a different hand and we never know what tomorrow holds. Count your blessings every day because bad can’t erase good. And if you find yourself in the post trauma fog looking for answers, come with me on a journey of healing and find hope.