Category: personal development

Posted on in personal development

Conflict; Don’t avoid it.

Do you avoid conflict? Maybe you keep your thoughts to yourself when you feel you should speak. Maybe you distance yourself from someone because you disagree with their choice. Or maybe you don’t pursue that passion ticking inside of you because the risk of losing your comfort is too high. If you are avoiding conflict because it’s easier or feels more safe; are you enjoying your life in a box?

I’m going to give you the key to peace. Conflict exists whether you deal with it or not. It is the way of the universe. Conflict is not the opposite of peace. Avoiding it will not give you peace. If you’ve tried that you already know it’s true. Peace comes by using conflict properly to align with your values.

Conflict is a type of contrast. It illuminates something – like a dashboard light. We should pay attention to it. We should take action when necessary and when no harm would occur. It is often easier to objectively view a situation that you are not in the middle of. So many people say to me “I always give others advice but rarely take my own advice!” So if you have a conflict to face, don’t go at it alone. “Where there is no guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory.” Proverbs 11:14

If you do not deal with conflict while it is external, it will become internal. When we isolate, evade a person or situation, don’t speak truth, or shut in our passions and pain- the conflict lives on inside. The damage is hidden and personal. You don’t have to stay in that state of mind a moment longer.

Posted on in Emotions, personal development

The Voice In Your Head

Only crazy people hear voices, right? That might be a trick question. Everyone has a voice. I’m not talking about the one you hear when you open your mouth. It’s the inner dialog that tells you what to do; your own thoughts.

Most people become aware of their voices in the experience of the adolescent years. We call that “self conscious” and it’s not an easy process getting to know your own voice. Sometimes the voice is critical, unkind, or abusive. Sometimes the voice is not your own.

My voice reveals my belief. What I believe and think is what I will say and do. Often we adopt voices that are not our own. A child is a blank page whose thoughts and actions are mostly guided by the voices of others until he is able to consistently repeat his own pattern of thoughts and behaviors.

Consider this; what a child experiences through the words and actions of others will become her voice. Imagine a little girl who wakes up every day to a vile, angry mother. “Get up! Stop being lazy!” is the mantra she lives each morning. When she completes tasks it is often ignored or overlooked. If she struggles or fails at a task it is met with criticism. In a short time, this girl will develop core beliefs that she is lazy and no matter how hard she works it will not be good enough. She develops a fear of failure because she is punished for falling short rather than guided to a better outcome.

Now imagine a little boy who wakes up every day to a pleasant, loving mother. “Good morning sunshine! How are you today?” He feels heard when he gives a response. He meets the days expectations with curiosity, knowing that if he has a question he has permission to ask and learn. In this environment of support and love he will naturally explore his interests and potential. The voice he develops will echo the encouragements he has received.

Often I work with people who are unsuccessful, unhappy, and stuck because they are dominated by a voice that is not their own. I help them to realize their power and change the voice they listen to. Do you have an inner child who needs some guidance and love?

Posted on in personal development

The Long Pause

“Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.” -Proverbs 27:1

You’ve likely heard the word ‘procrastinate’ and you may have even done it a time or two. Generally, I have a choice to either act and do what I have chosen to do or I can chose not to participate. Procrastination is a form of inaction or indecision where action is required. Sometimes there is a good reason to delay action; such as waiting for preferred conditions. A married couple, for example, may delay starting a family in order to allow career progression. A Captain might delay sailing to avoid an imminent storm. In short, some delays are productive in the long run. Procrastination carries the connotation of delay for negative reasons; likely avoidance or uncertainty.

When there is not a reasonable expectation of a positive gain when delaying an action, there may be a heart issue. A pause or hesitation comes with doubt, misperception, or fear. If that heart issue is not checked and brought to light, a pattern can emerge. A pause repeated becomes a long pause and a lifestyle of inaction.

Have you found yourself stuck in the long pause? It’s time to get moving. Take an inventory of the things you want to do and identify the obstacles you have let slow you down. Find a sound-board in someone who can help you create an action plan if needed.

Posted on in personal development, Success

A Balance Checkpoint

If you’ve traveled highways you’ve likely seen a sign for a weigh station. Trucks that haul goods have to make stops at those stations for a check up. Physics dictate that hauling too much weight is bad for the truck and the road. Being overloaded can be dangerous to self and others.

The human mind is a lot like a truck in that way. Hauling around too much weight and being overloaded is dangerous and not healthy. If you keep heaping on mental and emotional burdens without ever organizing or dropping some of the load you are headed for disaster.

I love the image of the scale and use it often with my clients. Imagine that there is a scale before you much like the old fashion golden saucers used in mining. That scale is hanging on a rope of which you are holding the other end. You must pull that rope to level the scale and every ounce of weight added is a burden you physically feel and must leverage against. How hard do you want to work?

Every thing in your life represents a weight. Your relationships, your possessions, your thoughts; they all have a weight value. Some things are rather light and other things are rather heavy. The things you choose to take on you will bear the weight of.

Now imagine that your scale is poised on a pulley that helps you resist the weight. That pulley is your personal support, or how you take care of yourself. The more you invest in your care the bigger and better that pulley is. In fact, you can have an entire pulley system that displaces the weight and helps you to bear the load. Those pulleys and parts are made up of your support system; the people and things which have a positive impact on your life. So even a heavier load can be more easily managed with the right support system.

You still have to hold your rope. You must bear the burden of your life, even with a great support system there is work. Sometimes others will add weights to your scale. Sometimes you will need to remove some things and make wise adjustments. You can always expand your pulley system. Please take the time often to not only build, but to oil and maintain your supports. Take time for a balance checkpoint. Does your scale need tidying? Does your support system need some attention?

Posted on in personal development, Success

Life is a Verb

It is the first week of January. A new month, a new year, a new decade is upon us. This time is symbolic of hope, aspirations and resolutions. The common joke is that it will all be discarded in the upcoming weeks as reality comes crashing down around us. Life goes on as it always does.

All the good intentions of the recent resolutions made come from a true place of desire. A desire to change, to prosper, and to get more out of life. It doesn’t have to be a January thing. Change can be an active way to live. The alternative is a passive existence.

How often do we settle for a passive existence? The television that sits on it’s throne which we all gather around speaks to this chosen lifestyle of passivity. We give up hours watching someone else live! We buy into fairy tales scripted to feed our desires for something more. Those hours turn into days, into weeks, and before we know it we have lost time and so much more.

We don’t have to lose that time. I disconnected the cable long ago and am so much happier without it. I can barely find spare time to fit in all of what I want to do and I wonder how I ever found time to sit idly in front of that screen. The television itself isn’t an evil. An occasional family movie night can be a great way to connect and share a laugh. All technology is useful and has the potential for good. Is it a tool you are using or is it using you?

I would love to talk to more people who are connected to others and their passions. So many people answer the question “How do you relax?” with the familiar “I watch TV.” I don’t believe that drama and media provide much if any relaxation. However, a cup of tea at a cafe with a friend, completing that art project, taking a walk outside, or doing something with your hands and mind might just do something good for you.

Whether you have a long list of resolutions or you haven’t even tried to make up one; consider taking an inventory of how you spend your time and see if maybe there is a connection or passion that could better serve you as you start this new year.

Posted on in Identity, personal development

Fixing a Broken Clock

Late: an adjective once used to describe me. It became a family inside joke that I had to be told the time for dinner was an hour before anyone else would show up so I would arrive on time. I was chronically late every day and always rushing! I was exhausted. It seemed the harder I tried to make deadlines the more I struggled to keep up. Sometimes I wondered if I was cursed. This affected every part of my life; family gatherings, church, classes and assignments, work, even rest. I couldn’t simply get to bed on time.

Here is the good news; I wasn’t cursed and neither are you. I was dysfunctional because I lacked understanding of time. What I didn’t understand back then is that time is subjective. When I hit the wall and decided I had to make a change; I discovered I had to change my thoughts about time.

Time management is effective based on two subjective tenets; 1) Perception of Time, 2) Value of Time.

Perception of Time

How long does it take you to tie your shoes? You have a pretty solid understanding of the time required to accomplish the task. Yet, how long will it take a 3 year old to tie his shoes? Any given task may require a different amount of time for different people based on a variety of circumstances. Our personal perception is built on experience. What I find most often in those I counsel on time management is many people were never given the opportunity to build their own perceptions of time because time was controlled for them. This was true for me.

As a child, I was told what to do and when to do it. Any task I was assigned came with a prompting to “do it now” and so I was raised on the principle of obedience in lieu of a principle of autonomy. I believe this made me a good child but didn’t prepare me to be a functioning adult. When I found myself suddenly responsible for my own life I was subconsciously awaiting prompting to do things. Even though I had gained independence and self responsibility to a degree as a teenager and young adult, the training of my childhood was a set internal pattern. It became a conflict that I did not know how to solve. With support, I learned how to understand my own perceptions of time and adequately measure tasks to my level of functioning.

Value of Time

Another element of having your time managed for you is that time retains no personal value. It would be like having someone who manages your money and spends it for you, making all of your financial decisions. When you ask “can I buy this?” and get a yes or no answer, the value of that item is irrelevant. In order to gain respect for the value of money, one must both earn and manage that money to understand its value. Time is no different than money in this manner. In order to gain respect for the value of time it must be personally managed.

In my journey of changing my thoughts about time, I had to begin to see time in quantity. Every task and expenditure of energy has a cost of my time. I could either learn the value of that time and plan ahead to invest properly or else continue accumulating periodic debt as I spent more time than I had. When I was able to understand these principles of time, my life became much more manageable. Now I use and teach tools of effective time management to help others who want to gain control and be present rather than always being late.

Posted on in personal development, Success

So much “stuff”

Do you have clutter in your home? So often we casually allow clutter to become a normal thing. I find it very interesting how Merriam-Webster defines clutter:

 

clutter

noun

1a: a crowded or confused mass or collection
“a clutter of motels and restaurants”
b: things that clutter a place
“tried to minimize the unnecessary clutter in her house”
2: interfering radar echoes caused by reflection from objects (as on the ground) other than the target
3: chiefly dialectal : DISTURBANCE, HUBBUB

The keywords which stand out to me are; confused, unnecessary, and disturbance. These accurately describe how I feel when I am around clutter. Over the past few years I have been on a journey toward minimalism. For awhile the lifestyle called “minimalism” was a hot topic which inspired books, television shows, and a lot of new year resolutions! There is no exact science to what living minimalist looks like because it is different for everyone. For me, it’s about doing more with less. Many of the people I work with struggle with organizing and ridding clutter. I like to share what works for me and I have found it to help many others.

The needs which are common to all people can be satisfied when a person has both a place and a purpose. Our basic physical, emotional, and social needs are satisfied when we have a place to belong. Our higher intellectual/emotional needs are satisfied by having a purpose to accomplish. I truly believe that we must find our place and purpose to be healthy and grow.

If I can personify my “stuff” in this way, it becomes apparent how to rid clutter and organize my home and life. I consider this to be why our stuff is called belongings. That which belongs in my life must have a place and a purpose which compliments my own place and purpose. With this value system in place, I can assess any item and find where it belongs. “Does this item have a functional place in my home?” “Does this item have a functional purpose in my life?” If I cannot validate either of those questions, the item needs to go somewhere it will have a place and purpose. 

My value based assessment is very simple and easy to apply. It has helped me to re-home & re-purpose a significant amount of stuff as I have downsized more than 50% in under two years. It has helped many others along the journey of organizing life and I hope it will help you.