Category: Identity

Posted on in Identity, Spirituality

Divine Feminine Potential

“She is a wild, tangled forest with temples and treasures concealed within.” – John Mark Green

It was the beginning of December, an end in itself. I was in the hustle and bustle of a high school basketball tournament in Indianapolis. The Pacer Athletic Center has eight courts which were all active with games all at once. Every squeaking shoe, dribbled ball, yelling teammates and coaches, whistles, buzzers, cheering fans by the hundreds; pure noise, amplified. It’s enough to make your head pound, your ears hurt, and you find total exhaustion after many hours. Still, somehow, when you get into a game all the noise blends together and you can get so in the moment and be present court side for your team.

That’s where I was, completely absorbed into a game for the varsity girls, when my healing journey brought me to a new, deeper level of spiritual awakening. I had no idea that basketball could yield a spiritual experience. It can be emotional to watch a game when you are connected to the players. There is tangible energy in the flow of teamwork, success, and setbacks. Certainly other parents and fans can relate to feeling a rush of joy when points are scored or the frustration when a skilled opponent gets the gain. On this particular day, something much deeper stirred in my soul as I watched 10 young women fight for a victory on the court.

There was a distinct moment when I did not see us versus them. The colors of the uniforms didn’t matter and the numbers on the score board were irrelevant. I realized I was surrounded by, and affected by, pure feminine potential. This isn’t to discount the boys in any way. Rather, it’s personal and profound that I recognized and tapped into the energy of what these young women are doing. I’ve been walking out a part of my own journey where I am facing and dealing with some childhood attachment issues and inner child wounds. I had once thought that I had adequately dealt with these layers until I recognized that you can remodel an entire house but the foundation remains and it will need a little work from time to time.

In the weeks before this moment, I recognized that I was grieving. I did not want to be, but I needed to release the pain and that’s what grieving does. I was grieving losses; of people, relationships, broken dreams, missed opportunities, and most of all parts of my identity that I had either sacrificed or never realized. Heavy stuff.

Grief, doubt, insecurity, and all the negative emotions we carry are not visible. On a basketball court, even the least confident player appears poised and capable to the average onlooker. As I watched the girls playing their hearts out, I saw confidence, intelligence, grace, assurance, dedication, and real, raw beauty. Honestly, I saw so much more than words can describe. They were flawless. They possessed the spirit of divine potential. For the first time in my conscious awareness I scanned a crowd and thought, “This is how God sees people.” I felt an overflowing of love and care for these beautiful ladies and there was not a shadow of doubt in my mind that they can do anything they desire.

I wished that they could feel for themselves what I was feeling for them in that moment. Connecting with my own inner child has revealed to me that I often felt I wasn’t loved for who I am so much as for what I could do or provide for others. So, I hid away the parts of me that were unlovable or unwanted. I created a version of me that made people happy, and I played the role of the people pleaser to keep from making waves. I allowed stagnant water by damning up my potential where there was meant to be a mighty, rushing river. Now, I look around and can see others who have done the same. Healing might require clearing away the sticks and logs a little at a time. Imagine what might happen to the world if we would free up and flow in the divine potential we were created with. If only we would get in the game of life like these ladies do on the basketball court.

Posted on in Identity

Creatives

The moment inspiration hits it can shift everything forward. It’s like a pulse of energy that is carried on the wind of motivation. Sometimes the wait for such inspiration is long and the search is dry. If you can relate to this, you might be one of us.

I choose to believe that everything holds purpose and value. So the intrinsic searching and sometimes unpleasant personal growth I have encountered over the last couple of years must be full of potential. A recent moment brought some of that potential to fulfillment for me. In a deeply emotional conversation about purpose there was a word that formed in my mind suddenly; creatives. That word illuminated as though someone had flipped a switch and lit it up.

To give context, I have spent significant time in recent years studying new and deeper concepts around business and marketing. I find value in being both educated and current in what people are seeking. After all, it is people which I serve. I hit a wall in defining exactly who I serve. For many years I have worked in roles in which I serve many different people with many different issues. That has been productive and rewarding. Still, there are certain relationships and contexts in which my strengths produce great results. In other words, there are many things I can do but there are certain things which when I do it fuels my passion. That’s where I want to be. That’s where I want everyone to be. So as I was pondering how to define the type of person who I am most enabled to help, I found the inspiration of Creatives.

So, what exactly is a “creative”? That is what I wondered. Like all good millennials, I asked Google. I was very impressed with the explanation given by Jeff Goins (direct link: https://goinswriter.com/what-is-a-creative ) it follows:

“So, what is a creative?
A creative is an artist. Not just a painter or musician or writer. She is someone who sees the world a little differently than others.
A creative is an individual. He is unique, someone who doesn’t quite fit into any box. Some think of creatives as iconoclasts; others see them as rebels. Both are quite apt.
A creative is a thought leader. He influences people not necessarily through personality but through his innate gifts and talents.”

I love the way that explanation flows. Thank you Mr. Goins, I couldn’t have said it better myself! This touches the heart of what I have been searching for. I know that I am best equipped to help others who are similar to myself because I can walk with you and lead you through places I have been. However, in my analyzing I kept coming up with things I had experienced or knowledge I have obtained that just didn’t define me or anyone else quite deep enough. Now I have a better picture. I know that the people who I work with are the stuck creatives. The artist in heart and soul who possesses something beautiful to leave a mark on the world, whether it’s the world of one or many. It’s the person who has a mix of nature and nurture; natural skills and talents and the touch of trauma that is holding something back. The person with a drive of passion but is looking for direction or guidance on how to tap into it.

Education is a great help. Skills and knowledge are tools. Still, it’s authenticity and knowing who I am that empowers me to see and know who you really are, and help you to see it too.

Posted on in Identity, personal development

A New Angle

To think; I’ve been placed here on a little 2 acre lot, teaming with life and love, to truly see just how deep, connected, and vast life really is.

Know these things: I believe that perpetual personal development is essential to happiness and fulfillment in life. Also, I believe that pain is the divinely appointed catalyst to change, and change demands growth. Simply, life involves pain and we will meet it at set appointments throughout the journey of living.

Often pain comes through a gradual building of pressure. The ups and downs of life can sometimes tip towards overwhelm with things that need to be experienced. This has been true for me a few times in my journey. Recently, a combination of big shifts and smaller tensions had set me off balance and searching for clarity. Although I did not lack peace, I was not in a comfortable space in my emotions. For me, this indicates work to be done, and so I did.

Very recently I had an epiphany. My overwhelm resolved quite quickly into a peaceful understanding. I used a visual analogy to describe the very abstract resolution in my mind, it follows. Eggs fit nicely into egg cartons. Pears do not. Both an egg and a pear have similar purpose, similar characteristics, and are certainly useful. I have been a pear trying to squeeze into an egg carton. Now that I can see the pear from the egg, it makes sense. My pear represents emotions and beliefs which seemed to set me apart from the eggs I was among. That part of me, representative of the greater whole, doesn’t look like a carton full of eggs all alike. It looks a lot like a bowl of fruit with more color, shapes, flavors, and excitement. I better understand my peace now.

Posted on in Identity, Spirituality

Identity

“Remember who you are.” -Mufasa

Yes, I’m quoting a cartoon. Truthfully, how profound a statement for a father to give to his son! All of Simba’s authority was settled in who his father was. His enemy planted a lie that took root and grew insecurities. So long as he was distracted by fear, he roamed about powerless and outside of his home. He only had to remember his true identity to step into his authority and change the world.

What a parallel to the spiritual atmosphere today! There is a prodigal son storyline there. People, sons and daughters, are living powerless, defeated, and far from home because they have no understanding of their identity.

We have a Father who reminds us… Remember who you are. “As many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name.” John 1:12

Posted on in Identity

Just As We Are

Have you ever seen black and white photos from olden days? The era of the white picket fence; men dressed in alike suit, women with cookie cutter fashion and hairstyle, houses and neighborhoods worthy of HOA magazines! I bet you can find photos of people filing into factories in straight lines, punching the clock one at a time. Society had a uniformity. There was etiquette to instruct individuals how to fit in.

There is a phrase with power and command; fit in. It is such a powerful ideology that anyone who would dare defy it would be labeled an outcast. This manufactured reality defined what a family looked like, the roles that men and women played in the family and society at large, and gave shape to a new world in the 19th century. New idols of wealth and power became gods which many sacrificed their lives to serve.

There are many accounts throughout human history of which people being boxed into predefined ideals lead to dismembering of those social constructs. Defining changes to society have risen up from the destruction of those mental walls. Here in the United States, our country exists due to people escaping control for independence. The 20th century was also marked by many significant social changes that granted freedoms and liberties in new ways.

Social change bares consequence; morally, ethically, and tangibly. Good and bad are never far apart. Just like light and dark are not evident without each other. The liberties we are blessed to behold have transformed society in ways both big and small. Some change happens gradually by accumulation and some shifts are imposed with great force. A basic principle of liberty is: live and let live. It flows in the same current as: do no harm. Maybe it is the changes of loosening of confines that have done the most good for individuality and personal progress. I believe what we are seeing in this moment of history is a reversal of the loosening of liberty. Rather, it is a gathering for the purpose of power; collectivism only moves social ideals forward by removing individual freedom.

Respect is greater than tolerance. Opportunity offers more than equality. Humanity’s strength is in the contribution of our differences and the unity of our mutual good by individual means.

Posted on in Identity, Personal Thoughts, Spirituality

Going Through the Desert

When I learned I would be relocating to the Desert as my new home, I did not want to go. This wasn’t my plan. In fact, I didn’t really have a specific plan. I was very open to going wherever a new adventure could be found. There were only two places I did not want to go; an island or a desert.

I decided to say “Yes, I will go” in my heart rather than approach this change with resentment. I was determined to make the best of the situation. That included doing a lot of research, talking to people who had been there, and trying to prepare myself for something I had never experienced and couldn’t comprehend. Everything about the desert and the big city I was headed to was foreign to me. I had no idea the scale to which these new things would be; bigger than my imagination.

Arriving was overwhelming. Anything familiar was absent. The environment was dirty and depressing. The people were strange and sometimes cruel. Within the first year my heart had moved into a spiritual desert as well. Despite trying to connect I found myself feeling very isolated. Then the shaky ground in my home and marriage began to crumble. I didn’t even recognize my life as my own anymore. So I turned my focus onto myself looking for some relief.

A year in the desert revealed my weakness and I began to think from a perspective of survival. I lost my sight for anything but what was in front of me. For another year I lived in a world of emotional escape. I checked out of life emotionally and just moved through one day at a time, appeasing the “desires of the flesh” because attention, approval, and the substances that numbed my senses and my pain were tangible comforts. I got lost in myself.

For a time, I thought I was coping with my devastation quite well. I was lonely but never alone. I was happy when I could quiet the discomfort. My life had the appearance of tidy tension; it was a difficult moment but I was holding it together. Inside I was spiraling into feeling hopeless and lost. The more difficulty that appeared at home, in my marriage, in my husband’s health, in the needs of my children, the further I hid away emotionally. Distance became my buffer because I couldn’t handle the weight of everything alone.

The reality which I can see clearly now is that I chose isolation even though it hurt me. In a moment of weakness, I believed my senses over truth. I saw darkness. I heard silence. I felt overwhelmed and confused. I unconsciously chose to believe my perception over God’s truth. “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9.

I had a strong faith from childhood. Throughout the years I have encountered things that shook my faith. I have watched people fail and been hurt deeply a few times along the way. I’ve experienced moments of doubt, self-reliance, and rebellion. Always, God is faithful. When people fail, Jesus has already won. When people cause wounds, Jesus heals. I know this because I’ve lived it. I have failed more than I want to admit but my failure has never changed God’s heart for me.

I really understood this after I came out of my season in the desert. I missed out on so much by agreeing with my fears instead of agreeing with my Savior. You see, my struggle did not change my position. Reaching the lowest low of my life did not dictate my identity as a child of God. “For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:26. I’m still learning to trust God with all of my heart and lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). Surely, I know that my understanding is colored by emotions, circumstances, and my own perception.

I left the desert and returned to my old home. I never thought I would relate to the prodigal son. Yet, through the embrace of people who love Jesus I experienced once again the tangible love of Jesus. I recognized how far I had wandered and when I decided to run back I found nothing but love. Now that I am home, physically and spiritually, I am listening to my Father’s voice and understanding who I am on a deeper level than I have ever known before. I can’t hold regret for lost time because I am thankful for the contrast. Darkness cannot hide light. It was in my greatest weakness that I discovered I need to lean on His strength.

Posted on in Identity, personal development

Fixing a Broken Clock

Late: an adjective once used to describe me. It became a family inside joke that I had to be told the time for dinner was an hour before anyone else would show up so I would arrive on time. I was chronically late every day and always rushing! I was exhausted. It seemed the harder I tried to make deadlines the more I struggled to keep up. Sometimes I wondered if I was cursed. This affected every part of my life; family gatherings, church, classes and assignments, work, even rest. I couldn’t simply get to bed on time.

Here is the good news; I wasn’t cursed and neither are you. I was dysfunctional because I lacked understanding of time. What I didn’t understand back then is that time is subjective. When I hit the wall and decided I had to make a change; I discovered I had to change my thoughts about time.

Time management is effective based on two subjective tenets; 1) Perception of Time, 2) Value of Time.

Perception of Time

How long does it take you to tie your shoes? You have a pretty solid understanding of the time required to accomplish the task. Yet, how long will it take a 3 year old to tie his shoes? Any given task may require a different amount of time for different people based on a variety of circumstances. Our personal perception is built on experience. What I find most often in those I counsel on time management is many people were never given the opportunity to build their own perceptions of time because time was controlled for them. This was true for me.

As a child, I was told what to do and when to do it. Any task I was assigned came with a prompting to “do it now” and so I was raised on the principle of obedience in lieu of a principle of autonomy. I believe this made me a good child but didn’t prepare me to be a functioning adult. When I found myself suddenly responsible for my own life I was subconsciously awaiting prompting to do things. Even though I had gained independence and self responsibility to a degree as a teenager and young adult, the training of my childhood was a set internal pattern. It became a conflict that I did not know how to solve. With support, I learned how to understand my own perceptions of time and adequately measure tasks to my level of functioning.

Value of Time

Another element of having your time managed for you is that time retains no personal value. It would be like having someone who manages your money and spends it for you, making all of your financial decisions. When you ask “can I buy this?” and get a yes or no answer, the value of that item is irrelevant. In order to gain respect for the value of money, one must both earn and manage that money to understand its value. Time is no different than money in this manner. In order to gain respect for the value of time it must be personally managed.

In my journey of changing my thoughts about time, I had to begin to see time in quantity. Every task and expenditure of energy has a cost of my time. I could either learn the value of that time and plan ahead to invest properly or else continue accumulating periodic debt as I spent more time than I had. When I was able to understand these principles of time, my life became much more manageable. Now I use and teach tools of effective time management to help others who want to gain control and be present rather than always being late.

Posted on in Identity, Personal Thoughts

How does race define me?

 

 

Stereotypes exist because people fill the role. I don’t think this is a bad thing in itself. Some stereotypes are very negative and hurtful however. Everyone has the power to be subject to their stereotypes or change the behavior that makes them. Throughout my life I have fit stereotypes in the roles of a mother, a wife, a student, a counselor, etc., and yes… as a white woman.

I spent my early years with a secret anger. People who celebrated their heritage or had cultural customs put me off. I was raised in a non-biological family (for the most part) in which both of my parents were adopted and I lacked knowledge about my roots. Eventually in my teen years we would meet some biological family and learn little bits and pieces but there were a lot of closed doors containing skeletons. Let’s be honest, adoption is never the choice when everything is peachy.

At a certain point in my adult life not knowing got the best of my curiosity. So I began to research. Eventually I completed a DNA test. The results were hugely disappointing. I learned that DNA can’t actually tell you where you are from but it will generate a ton of possibilities. I decided that I wouldn’t stop there. I had questions and wanted answers. So I studied genomic raw data analysis and started to analyse my own raw DNA. I spent many months doing genealogy research side by side with my own DNA analysis and eventually I had some breakthroughs. After a couple years of this process, I was able to identify all four of my biological grandparents and subsequently the generations before them. I traced my roots right back to the countries of origin. I actually wrote a post on this journey in March 2018.

What is important for this piece is that I found some amazing, rich history in my bloodlines. I also found truths behind the secrets. My parents were both adopted out because of twisted, dark family secrets. My grandparents had pasts that were reprehensible. Yet, my own existence proves a new story can be written.

The choices of my ancestors are not mine. I hold no responsibility or guilt for their decisions. These are people that in other circumstances I would have called Grandma or Grandpa. Yet, I do not even bear those family names. I may share some of their physical features but my values and character came from a different family source. I was blessed to be born and raised in very different circumstances and I am thankful for that.

If in one generation an entire family history can be reset and written from scratch; why do people insist on holding the faults and failures of others over an entire cultural group? This I will never understand because my personal journey is not compatible with such thinking. Every race and background has individuals and groups of people who are remembered for bad decisions. In some cases, race has been used to proposition people as superior or inferior. It happens today among groups small and large. I can’t deny this, though I don’t agree with it. I believe culture and heritage should be shared passions and interests. This is the part of my heritage that defines me.

How do we, as a society, move towards respecting individuals and cultural differences in a way that removes the “us versus them” negativity while honoring and preserving differences that make culture unique and beautiful?

Posted on in Emotions, Identity

The Purpose of Relationship

Are your relationships based on roles or are they an investment of your life?

A common thought is that relationships require us to be something. Certain images come up about what a mother looks like, what a teacher looks like, what a nurse looks like, and so on. Often when we choose a role our relationships begin and end within the context of what those beliefs are about the role’s purpose. We hear stories from the media about exceptional people who act in bravery or kindness which took them far beyond the role they play. This is the way we fall in line. We are told what to expect and then we act within those expectations.

I wasn’t made to fall in line; neither were you. What do we miss when we accept acting out a role in life? We miss relationships. Relationship requires an investment of who I am. It reaches the reason for my roles.  For a nurse, her role may be as simple as running your IV and keeping a record of your vitals. Her reason may be a deep love for humanity and this is how she contributes to caring for the hurt and scared. For a teacher, his role may be to follow a curriculum and keep track of your progress. His reason may be that he believes in your potential. Can you see how different outcomes might be if we allow our reasons to become passions instead of just filling roles?

I want to speak to mothers and fathers. Parenting might be the most common role we share. With rare exceptions, every human being is equipped biologically to parent a child and the great majority do so. Why we do this varies more than any other role. Some parents fall into this role by lack of planning. Some are influenced by family, their own childhood, the pressures of society, a need to nurture, a desire to give and receive love, and the potential reasons here are infinite. How we do this role of parenting varies even more. It seems to be that everyone has their own priorities in parenting and many feel strongly to share their own priorities to other parents.

Are we falling into a role as parents? Someone reading this can relate to feeling disconnected from their own parent. Maybe you had a “good childhood” by most standards; your needs were met. Mom cooked your supper, drove you to practice, loved you when you were ill. Dad taught you to drive, or to play a sport, he directed your discipline and paid your allowance. They filled the roles they felt they were subject to. Of course, many childhood stories deviate in other directions and this is just one example. These parents will say that these activities are an investment of their time and energy; yes they are! There is nothing wrong with filling roles and it is good and necessary. Can we do more?

I often see parents, in particular moms, who vent about giving up some part of themselves. The story sounds like this; “I feel like I have lost myself since becoming a mother.” “I don’t have time for my own needs and my entire identity is being a mom.” “Someday when the kids are grown, maybe I will have time for myself.” These parents are actively living out roles instead of investing in relationships. I also work with adults who echo a similar sentiment; “I feel like I don’t really know who my mom/dad is as a person.” This breaks my heart. These are individuals who come to me looking for help with dysfunctional relationships and have a struggle with their own identities. They were taught how to fill roles but were never taught how to live with reason.

Biologically, emotionally, and spiritually the parent / child relationship is primary. It is the first place where identity is gained. It shapes who we are for better or worse. It promotes our success when nurturing. It cripples our ideas and abilities when damaging. Parents: you are armed with great knowledge now. Giving of yourself, investing in sharing who you are with your children will build them up to know who they are.

 

 

Follow for more to come on parenting and relationships…

Posted on in Identity, Personal Thoughts

Discovering My Story

As a child I loved stories. I loved to read stories as much as I loved to write my own. My first published story was titled “The Purple Plum Tree” and I was in the third grade when I wrote it.

My own story became one of heartbreak and loss when I was just an adolescent girl. I had so much hurt which I did not author and could not erase from my life. So I resented my own story and severed that passion to protect my heart. Decades later I would learn that there is great healing in following passion because in that passion lies purpose. 

I stopped writing stories. Then I stopped reading them, too. I became resentful when I would hear someone else’s story. Maybe it was envy that stirred that bitterness because my own story was silenced. Maybe I was trying to lose the identity that I associated with pain. In doing so, I lost myself. Something interesting happens when you become lost; you wander but you don’t disappear. 

True passion never dies. It waits. It fights to break free at the slightest light breaking through into the darkness where it is hidden. There was a season in my life of personal revelation and growth. I was forced to read a book called To Be Told by Dan. B. Allender, Ph.D. for a class I was attending. *Spoiler Alert* It is a book about stories! In that moment, in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains in Virginia, I encountered people who changed my life by allowing me to tell parts of my story that had never been authored before. My soul was shaken in that season and the hard ground of my heart was watered and my passion broke forth. I was left with a longing to live my story.

The journey of self discovery I have been on since then has lead me to a realization. I actually have three stories. They are; What I Am, Why I Am, and Who I Am. 

What I Am, has been a mystery to me for most of my life. This is my DNA; the physical components which have constructed my form and made me human. I come from a unique family in which both of my parents were adopted. In the last couple years I have begun to explore that part of my history. An analogy; You may see a standing, tall oak tree. That tree would not be there if not for an acorn and that acorn had fallen from another oak tree. If a sycamore seed had fallen you would find a different tree. You call the tree by the name of it’s characteristics which share a common lineage. There is a story behind what I am, my characteristics. I am short, with blue gypsy eyes, and a glowing red in my auburn hair that must come from somewhere.

Why I Am, is the story I know best. This is the beliefs, values, and examples that have been given to me from my parents, family, and others. It’s the long version answer to “Why I do the things I do.” It’s the version of my story which I rejected for so long. If our acorn falls in a forest, the oak will root deep and grow tall. It will hold nests and burrows and have a purpose in being home. If that acorn falls in a sidewalk it will grow much differently. It’s purpose may be shade for a home instead. Why I am the way I am is because of an environment and the nurturing of  people in my life. Sometimes the what and the why stem from the same introduction but in my particular story one has not much to do with the other. As I’ve walked through my life, I’ve come to realize that this story includes sorrow and pain, as well as joy and success, but it is all part of my story.

Who I Am, is the reason for all the rest. It is the essence and purpose of my existence. Who I am came forth through generations of “what” and was placed into the circumstances of “why” in order to develop the revelation of Who I am in this moment of my life. In the oak analogy, the Who is much more than an oak or any characteristic of the environment or the acorn itself. It is the germ of the seed which has carried on through every generation back to the original. You see, Who I am was predestined from long before the first oak tree.

“According as he hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love: having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will, to the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved.” Ephesians 1:4-6 KJV

Every part of my story was written to point to who I am. And who I am points to who Jesus is. Despite all the hurt, rejection and failure of my own life and the generations before me; my life is full of love and redemption. God is love. 1 John 4:8. Christ is the Redeemer. Galatians 3:13.

I am living my story.