Category: Emotions

Posted on in Emotions, personal development

The Voice In Your Head

Only crazy people hear voices, right? That might be a trick question. Everyone has a voice. I’m not talking about the one you hear when you open your mouth. It’s the inner dialog that tells you what to do; your own thoughts.

Most people become aware of their voices in the experience of the adolescent years. We call that “self conscious” and it’s not an easy process getting to know your own voice. Sometimes the voice is critical, unkind, or abusive. Sometimes the voice is not your own.

My voice reveals my belief. What I believe and think is what I will say and do. Often we adopt voices that are not our own. A child is a blank page whose thoughts and actions are mostly guided by the voices of others until he is able to consistently repeat his own pattern of thoughts and behaviors.

Consider this; what a child experiences through the words and actions of others will become her voice. Imagine a little girl who wakes up every day to a vile, angry mother. “Get up! Stop being lazy!” is the mantra she lives each morning. When she completes tasks it is often ignored or overlooked. If she struggles or fails at a task it is met with criticism. In a short time, this girl will develop core beliefs that she is lazy and no matter how hard she works it will not be good enough. She develops a fear of failure because she is punished for falling short rather than guided to a better outcome.

Now imagine a little boy who wakes up every day to a pleasant, loving mother. “Good morning sunshine! How are you today?” He feels heard when he gives a response. He meets the days expectations with curiosity, knowing that if he has a question he has permission to ask and learn. In this environment of support and love he will naturally explore his interests and potential. The voice he develops will echo the encouragements he has received.

Often I work with people who are unsuccessful, unhappy, and stuck because they are dominated by a voice that is not their own. I help them to realize their power and change the voice they listen to. Do you have an inner child who needs some guidance and love?

Posted on in Emotions

Emotional Flowers

The most guarded, impenetrable prison humanity is captive to are the words of emotional abuse from self and others. A Proverb in the Old Testament says “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” It is a statement which portrays a sobering depth of reality once it is understood to be true.

I describe to my clients how motivation is a matter of mental vegetation. My clients know that I love word pictures and using visual imagery for instilling philosophies into the mind. There are three elements to change which are consistent and universal despite what the aim of the change may be; thoughts, language, and behavior. There is no behavior or action which comes forth in reality that was not born a thought. The thought is a seed. If it is planted and nourished it will grow. As that thought takes root it creates the dialog of which I speak to myself and others. “Thinking” is the mental language of self talk. How I think about myself influences how I view and treat others. This is where behavior blossoms.

What is so often overlooked is how self abuse shapes behaviors of self destruction. If I think (seed) that I am unworthy, incapable, or lacking then my language becomes self-depreciating. My thought flow becomes negativity and arbitrary limits on my potential. Eventually that comes through in my behaviors which are unhealthy and regressive. Where did that bad seed come from? The significance of this understanding is that everything I speak plants seeds in others and if I am not planting positive, encouraging ideas I am leaving space for those personal doubts and fears to grow. Planting strong, positive affirmations in someone’s character can choke out the weeds of insecurity before they grow and overtake one’s entire perception.

Positive change requires planting positive seeds and nurturing them in the language that is expressed in thinking and speaking. If you want to believe what you have planted you must grow it. Healthy change is intentional, not a passive occurrence which happens upon someone. Use the language of positive, confirming thoughts and words in your daily life.

Are you growing beautiful flowers or allowing thorny vines to overtake your emotional garden?

Posted on in Emotions, Identity

The Purpose of Relationship

Are your relationships based on roles or are they an investment of your life?

A common thought is that relationships require us to be something. Certain images come up about what a mother looks like, what a teacher looks like, what a nurse looks like, and so on. Often when we choose a role our relationships begin and end within the context of what those beliefs are about the role’s purpose. We hear stories from the media about exceptional people who act in bravery or kindness which took them far beyond the role they play. This is the way we fall in line. We are told what to expect and then we act within those expectations.

I wasn’t made to fall in line; neither were you. What do we miss when we accept acting out a role in life? We miss relationships. Relationship requires an investment of who I am. It reaches the reason for my roles.  For a nurse, her role may be as simple as running your IV and keeping a record of your vitals. Her reason may be a deep love for humanity and this is how she contributes to caring for the hurt and scared. For a teacher, his role may be to follow a curriculum and keep track of your progress. His reason may be that he believes in your potential. Can you see how different outcomes might be if we allow our reasons to become passions instead of just filling roles?

I want to speak to mothers and fathers. Parenting might be the most common role we share. With rare exceptions, every human being is equipped biologically to parent a child and the great majority do so. Why we do this varies more than any other role. Some parents fall into this role by lack of planning. Some are influenced by family, their own childhood, the pressures of society, a need to nurture, a desire to give and receive love, and the potential reasons here are infinite. How we do this role of parenting varies even more. It seems to be that everyone has their own priorities in parenting and many feel strongly to share their own priorities to other parents.

Are we falling into a role as parents? Someone reading this can relate to feeling disconnected from their own parent. Maybe you had a “good childhood” by most standards; your needs were met. Mom cooked your supper, drove you to practice, loved you when you were ill. Dad taught you to drive, or to play a sport, he directed your discipline and paid your allowance. They filled the roles they felt they were subject to. Of course, many childhood stories deviate in other directions and this is just one example. These parents will say that these activities are an investment of their time and energy; yes they are! There is nothing wrong with filling roles and it is good and necessary. Can we do more?

I often see parents, in particular moms, who vent about giving up some part of themselves. The story sounds like this; “I feel like I have lost myself since becoming a mother.” “I don’t have time for my own needs and my entire identity is being a mom.” “Someday when the kids are grown, maybe I will have time for myself.” These parents are actively living out roles instead of investing in relationships. I also work with adults who echo a similar sentiment; “I feel like I don’t really know who my mom/dad is as a person.” This breaks my heart. These are individuals who come to me looking for help with dysfunctional relationships and have a struggle with their own identities. They were taught how to fill roles but were never taught how to live with reason.

Biologically, emotionally, and spiritually the parent / child relationship is primary. It is the first place where identity is gained. It shapes who we are for better or worse. It promotes our success when nurturing. It cripples our ideas and abilities when damaging. Parents: you are armed with great knowledge now. Giving of yourself, investing in sharing who you are with your children will build them up to know who they are.

 

 

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