She let her mind go first, then her body followed. Understand, when a woman “let’s herself go” there is a slow, painful death of part of her soul that must occur before she can burry that pain deep in her body. It starts with a question. She deflects criticism and doubt as long as she can, until the question appears. It is a question of personal doubt, a confusion, a foggy reasoning, because her understanding of who she is and your revealed perception of who she is can’t both be true. She loves you, so she will doubt herself in order to cling tight to her beliefs about you. She believes you love her, you cherish her, and that you want to give her the world. How could she not believe all of that? It is what you promised, after all.

Then comes the tearing; her mind is split in two as if each truth can be hidden from the other. Then nobody has to be wrong, or a liar, or delusional. So, one side believes she is strong, capable, worthy of love, and will thrive. The other side believes you hung the moon, even as the light grows dim. She becomes two personalities, upkeeping both facades. She is your every dream. She is her own hero. Neither has to compromise for the other. A breathing, walking inconsistency.

Inevitably, there is a break down. You see through the facade. You call her out. She can’t accept it because it is the very thing that keeps her alive. She must deny the truth of the imposter she has become in order to not lose touch with the reality she has created. So, she dives deeper into the programming and pours her energy into being enough for everyone. She has never been enough for you, and she makes up for it by appearing to be more than enough to everyone. It’s exhausting, living out stories so grand, but she can’t stop, or she will lose touch with the character she has created to replace her weaknesses. She creates space between her and every offense, every rejection, every doubt, every criticism, and soon she finds that space hurts less than emotion. In the space she appears strong, independent, even admirable. So, she gets comfortable there.