There are moments in life when we come to a crossroad, an opportunity, a challenge, or a catalyst for change. I’ve encountered this place many times along my journey. Usually there is some personal reflection required; an assessment of where I am and where I want to be. In the most critical moments the question becomes one of Who I am and Who I want to be. Maybe it’s all the same; who I am, where I am, and what I am. Aren’t they all facets of my existence?

This season, and this year, have involved a lot of reflection and processing for me. One thing that I have observed is how my writing has changed. “Once upon a time” I wrote very emotional, personal, inspired pieces. I wrote poetry, stories, and songs. I shared myself in a creative, artistic outlet. Then I learned to shield myself in response to pain.

I have notebooks full of secrets. Beautiful words that remind me of moments and feelings that I once lived in. They are mine and I have kept them close so that others cannot see into me. When I began to write again I birthed a different way to tell stories. I took an academic pose that allowed me to think, process, and reflect without exposing myself through it. Admittedly, I’ve gained a lot from this approach. Projecting my thoughts has helped me and others along the way. There is nothing inherently wrong, or right, in that process.

Now I find myself once again in this place of existential tension; poised for change. I am missing that voice from within which used to be so profound. There is a version of me that has been present; coping with the unexpected in life. But there is a whole of me that has been hiding and healing. The theme of this year for me is transformation. A lot has been going on in this chrysalis of my mind and I am about to break free and spread my wings.